Monday, April 26, 2004

A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow - The Folkmen

Oh when the veil of dream has lifted
And the fairy-tales have all been told
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow
More precious than a pot of gold

In tales of ancient glory
Every knight and maiden fair
Shall be joined when the quest is over
And the kiss is the oath that they swear

And when the veil of dream has lifted
And the fairy-tales have all been told
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow
More precious than a pot of gold

My sweet, my dear, my darling
You're so far away from me
Though an ocean of tears divides us
Let the bridge of our love span the sea

Your kiss....
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow,
More precious than a pot of gold.

"A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow" ~ The Folkmen



I'm in a wistful mood. It's raining outside. I pulled up the blinds and in the darkness watched the rain slither down my window panes. With my comforter wrapped around me in a sense of surrogate security, my mind is awhirl. My soul cries out

"Why???"

It rains inside as well.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Maksim!!

MAKSIM! MAKSIM! MAKSIM!!! *swooooooon*

Went to see him in action last night. Was totally not disappointed!! His technique was truly superb .. it's so mind-boggling when you see such wonderful precision with the keys *swooooon!* His talent! His charisma! His sexy-smooth voice! *swooooooooon!!* *G*

Funny thing is, I wouldn't have even known of it had my Mak Ngah not called and offered me free tix. WOOHOO!! Of course I said yes, and immediately thought of who would most appreciate the experience as she offered to get me as many as I wanted. Eh heh. I am one to take advantage, I just don't take it too far. ;oP It was sorted! I would be going to see Maksim in enjoyable company!!

At Yazmin's house after lunch, she received the unbeatable offer of FRONT ROW tickets to the concert!!! EeEeEeEeeee!! And we managed to get it! Double EeEeEeEeeee!!!!!! (I only found out later - through her blog! - that there was a small token to pay! Wait till I get my hands on you! If it was only one ticket for me, pun takpe. But I had a friend tagging along! Min .....) Anyway, the VIP tix were the best side of fantastic! Thanx so much, Min!! *huggles*

I'm not very eloquent even at the best of times, so you can read a better version of the concert here, but when he came on (in almost-total darkness for almost half a minute, no thanks to careless lighting technicians), my first thought was, "Alah! Halusnya!" Really, he's so cekeding! Aiyoh, kurusnya budak ni. Kat London takde makan ke? And I was also wondering, eh, is it really him? I think he looks very little like his photos! I mean, I know some people can look very different in photographs, but this was the most extreme case of it I've ever seen. All doubts dissipated, however, upon the first few bars. There was no mistaking the flair and masterful precision! I was watching Maksim in action! Live! From the first three rows!!! EeEeEeEeeee!!

Absolutely unforgettable! Thanx Min! and Ija!! *huggles*

At home, I dropped like a sack due to being awake 36 hours. As usual, I was finishing the last of my thesis (which, by the way, was finally approved by my supervisor, which means no more sleepless nights!!) the night before, so I pulled a final all-nighter. The day then filled up pretty fast, and before I could turn twice, the Maksim concert was over! Slept like a log till noon (hey! I'm allowed! I've been working my butt off with minimal sleep for the past half a year because of that thesis!!) and woke to what I thought would be a leisurely day. Week. At least a month.

Wrong!! Mum immediately put me to work helping her out with this contract she's got, which would require my working 7 days a week, 4 to 10 every evening until the end of June. *AaAaAraaaargh* Takde chance nak rileks lansung! On the flip side, my upah is an umrah trip after this is all over. Yay! I've been meaning to go for so long now, I hope it happens! :o)

Sunday, April 18, 2004

What Power Can't Get You: A 3 Hour Rant

There are some things all the money in the world cannot buy; amongst which are health, happiness, peace, class, manners, good breeding, and least of all respect.

Indubitably, posession of great material wealth is capable of buying you a degree of power, but to what purpose is that power?

Would it secure you a more comfortable life; a life more comfortable than that which you can already buy with your vast wealth? No, you don't need power to make a comfortable life.

Could power guarantee you the best of health? No. Money might be able to buy you the best medical treatments available, but power couldn't ensure your health.

Neither could power give you class, manners, nor good breeding. You could buy the most expensive designer rags with which to sheathe your body, you could buy the finest jewels for personal adornment, you can send yourself to the best schools in the world, you can boast of having an address book full-to-bursting of the personal numbers of the most hoity-toity who's who on an international scale, yet none of these could give you class, manners or good breeding.

Power can give you status, which in turn earns you a degree of respect. A form of it, at least.

Fuck. That.

What a lot of people respect is money. Money --> Status --> Respect. And that's how moneyed people end up being respected, no matter what kind of people they are. That's the natural progression. What it frankly is, is fucked up.

It's not that I don't understand how it got that way. What it is is a vicious cycle. People need money to survive, more so of poor people. Where they can get money from is the Rich. The Rich then exploit the Poor, because the Poor have no choice, to make Themselves richer. At the same time, you can't have these anjing kurap tepi jalan getting anywhere near as prosperous as the Rich, coz then Society would really have gone to the dogs. Oh yes, the unfortunate degeneration of society would really begin then. So what you have would be the Rich getting Richer off the repressed Poor .. and congratulations to the Rich for maintaining their exclusive position! After all, why shouldn't they keep their exalted positions as Gods who dwell in the Mt. Olympus of Society, high above the Poor Nothings and Nobodys? They're Rich! They've got something the Poor don't: Power! They've got Respect! They've earned that respect with their dollars, they deserve that respect!!! The Poor shouldn't aspire to too much, after all. Bodoh. Kalau pandai, takkan miskin. Kuli. Nak kaya?! Ada hati, konon. Sometimes the Rich conveniently forget their roots.

The Rich get richer, the Poor remain repressed.

Money is the Root of All Evil. I beg to differ. The Greed for Money is The Root of All Evil.

What bothers me is not the Money. It's how people act (and react) to it. Money is only Money. When people start believing it is something more than it actually is, that's where the seeds of Evil are planted. I would be a hypocrite if I said that I didn't want a lot of money to buy nice things, but I don't want my wealth to be built on the misery of others. How the fuck could I live with myself? How could I eat the food bought with tainted money? How could I sleep in the bed begotten of other's misery?

Power corrupts. Insidiously, and absolutely. Too often power turns people into egomaniacs. Admittedly, not all people with money and/or position turn out this way, but let's be honest, how many don't? Already inflated egos then become more pumped up by carpet-baggers, ass-kissers, boot-lickers and barwahs who latch on, hoping for scraps to fall from the tables, hoping to catch a free ride to Money Land.

What never ceases to amaze me is that Rich actually wants people like these around him, more often than not for the sole purpose of having someone to stroke his egos and for him to bully. Filthy scum of society. I dare any of them to be honest just once in their lives. Show me the company you keep and I'll show you who you are.

And I will never understand how the Rich always try to repress those not in their strata. What the fuck is so wrong about helping someone else become rich as well? What!!? Hina sangat ke a person who's only trying to make the best life he can for himself and his family? Who's only trying to earn an honest and decent living? Who's only trying to carve out a place for himself in this world? Hina sangat ke sampai you have to deride him, and belittle his hard, honest efforts, and laugh at his idealistic ideas of morals and principles?

All to often, it's the dishonest ones who prosper in their dealings. Why is it so unfair? Why does God reward the ones without scruples with material wealth? The ones who have no compassion, no kindness? Orang tak beragama? Why is it that we're always saying "Takpe. Nanti Tuhan bagi balasannya." Why can't they get their just desserts now? Why? Why? Why?

Years ago, I first became disillusioned with humanity. More years of observation, the disillusionment only gets greater. I have no more faith in humanity. To me, society has already gone to hell. It no longer serves a useful function. If only there were a nuclear catastrophe, or another ice-age, then humanity could start again from scratch. There's no guarantee it won't turn out the very same way, but we need to realise the .. I want to say 'obligations' or 'responsibility', but I think it'd be inaccurate .. but we need to think beyond the Self. I think the Buddhists have it right when they say that attachments and obsessions with the material world causes Suffering.

All this misery and suffering caused by material things and their superficial derivatives (i.e. "Power" and "Status") are nothing but a bunch of crock. That's why I absolutely hate it when someone says to me, "You're too good for me, above my status. Takkan I nak mengharap pulak." What the fuck is status beyond something insecure rich people invented to reassure themselves? It is nothing but illusion and petty games.

I don't give a fuck if it's called being rude, but I don't give a fuck if you were born the Queen of England, or the Raja Muda of Selangor, or if your father was a goddamned gajillionare.

What earns respect is achievement. You earn respect because of the things you've done, of the principles you uphold, of the good and kindness you've committed. Your deeds speak for themselves, and your deeds determine the level of respect you are owed. Being born into a "socially prominent family" doesn't hold shit for me. No respect is owed for an accident of birth. More often than not, I find "socially prominent families" utterly disgusting, dispicable and disgraceful. Usually it's due to their own exalted opinion of themselves and the degrading way they treat - and think of - others. Whatever society in which they are regarded as 'creme of the crop', I don't want to live in.

Yes, once again, I acknolwedge that not everyone is like this, I know some good, rich people too. But what a minority.

A volunteer at the SPCA who cleans after cat-poo could be more deserving of respect than some kononnya high-and-mighty Tan Sri (who, by the way, almost definitely bought his title). Respect should be paid to deeds, not money nor status. It's unfortunate that the illusions of power are so tightly enmeshed in the workings of society that nowadays respect is so often casually demanded (and as unthinkingly given!) for the poorest and lamest of reasons. Respect, if not truly earned, is no respect at all.

I am not proclaiming that I have superior morals. I'll be the first to admit my deficiencies, but I believe there are common values in this world that transcend religion and spiritual beliefs. Regardless of what religion you ascribe to, or do not, there exists this natural law which differentiates the good from the bad, and that this knowledge is inherent in every human being. That (some) people deliberately disregard what instinct tells them is wrong disappoints me profoundly, hence the loss of faith in humanity. Sure, there must surely be more good people in this world than the bad, but that the bad ones seem to be able to take dominance with the good people being almost unable to do anything about it .. I just no longer have any faith. All will be settled after the material world no longer counts .. or so I hope. It's the one thing I have any faith left for.

>:o( I just needed to rant. I guess this was set off by .. a recent incident. It is unfortunate that the people who seem to be amongst the worst transgressors of basic decency and common courtesy happen to be members of my family. I am so utterly disappointed and ashamed. They were once ... decent people. I believe they once knew humility, and kindness. Once upon a time. The Love of Money corrupts; Power corrupts utterly.

In a way, I am grateful to have known them, to have seen them like this. It will serve as a life-long warning for me against the lures of false Status and the dangers of becoming too heady with Power.

Having the power to immediately secure a table in any busy restaurant, to buy the hotel should the doorman bar you entry, to order Mercedes-Benz to design a car just-for-you .. all these things are ultimately inconsequential. To be kind, to be compassionate, to be considerate .. these things matter.

Riches do not equate class. Knowing who's who in society, which fork goes with which dish, having a posh accent, and being able to speak French does not equate manners. Being a member (sometimes even being a pseudo-member is good enough!) of a "socially prominent family" does not guarantee good breeding.

Poise, finesse, elegance, good manners, gentility, integrity, class, genuine respect. None of these can be bought, not if you owned the world. I could be dead poor, but I'll bet I could still have manners, class, and truly deserved, truly earned respect.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Me? Commitment-phobic?

What is it about nighttime that inspires me to weird thoughts??? Or maybe I should just stop playing Minesweeper. You won't believe the things I think when I play that game ...

After an earlier conversation with a friend about .. well, this and that .. it, indirectly, got me to thinking about me and my ... umm .. reluctance towards relationships. To quote the mightly irked Mr. X: "You're afraid of commitment!!!!" ::rolleyes:: I, at the time, dismissed his accusation as pure bosh as it wasn't that I was afraid of commitment, I just didn't want to commit myself to him! He was a whiny, fussy, really melemaskan type, the kind of guy who had to call every 2 hours to see what I was doing, and because he missed me. ????????? Get real. It's not sweet, it's helluva irritating. Makes me wonder what I ever saw in him. Hmmm .... Maybe I thought he was cute, but whatever physical attraction there might have been initially was totally overridden by his irritating-ness. Yes, I have this nasty habit of inventing words when my vocabulary fails me.

*Flicks on a lighter and sways to Broery Marantika's Jangan Ada Dusta Antara Kita* Sorry. Nice song.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, at the time, I may have not commit for the right reasons. I plainly didn't like him. Anymore.

But after (and some before) him came guys who I did like. Nice, decent guys. Unfortunately, still no commitments. Why not, for Heaven's sake, if I like them? The reason is quite simple: I am notoriously picky, and they were not ideal. *sigh* Hence, still single, never had a boyfriend. Ever. I don't know if any of them ever considered me a girlfriend at some point or another (I suspect that some did), but I couldn't say I thought of any of them as my boyfriend. Significant Other. I guess it takes love for you to think of someone that way, and thought I was - and still am - incredibly fond of some of them, I never really loved any of them.

So I didn't make the commitments because I didn't think it was fair for them to be in a one-sided relationship. I honestly believed that they deserved much more than what pittance I was giving them. Good men, who deserved more than what I wasn't willing to give. Besides, it made me feel like a Wicked Witch, the way I was treating them. I suppose it could be argued that I might have eventually fallen in love with them, given time, but I really didn't feel that it was right. What happens if I then met the real man of my dreams?

And there you have it. Tonight, after talking to Yazmin, it occured to me that there may have been some truth to Mr. X's exasperated accusation, after all. I am afraid of commitment. What if I had made a commitment to someone, THEN met the real man of my dreams? That is what I'm afraid of. I can't help but think I'd've robbed myself of too much if that were to happen, not to mention how unfair it would be to whoever it was I'd committed to at the time.

But doesn't 'commitment' mean you should stand by your choices, come what may? Yes, exactly. I know that should that happen, then I would honour my commitment, but at the same time, I wouldn't be able to help feeling resentment; resentment with the whole situation, resentment at whomever I'm with because he isn't perfect, and resentment with Mr. Wonderful because he hadn't appeared in my life sooner. Not fair? Certainly, but whoever said emotions had ever been fair? That's why nobody should think with their hearts.

Besides, I hate breaking promises, and if commitments are anything, they're promises. It's my policy to never make promises I can't and know that I will be unable to keep. Thus, I am not good at this breaking-up business, so I avoid it altogether by not making any promises! Wahey!

I have a horde of aunts and uncles who are getting increasingly concerned about my unchanging 'single' status. lolz ... I've heard that the first thought of a persistently single female is that she might be gay. Hmmm.. there's a thought ... lolz! No way. I don't have anything against lesbianism, but I find men waaaaay too yummy to give up. *winkz*

But as a result of all that concern, everytime I attend a family do, I'm absolutely inundated with "Do you have a boyfriend yet?", "Are you still single?!?!!", "I have this friend who has a son .... Baik orangnya." God help me. But of most concern to me is the advice I've been getting from well-meaning aunts, uncles, and proxy-parents. It seems almost universally agreed upon that I shouldn't be too .. umm .. selective. You take the best you've got, and make the best out of it that you can. That's what marriage (and life) is all about.

Are they right? Am I setting the bar too high? Should I compromise my ideals and lower my standards merely for the sake of having someone around? Have I been too idealistic? (Why is it that we always ask others to affirm our beliefs? Does .. should! .. an objective opinion from the outside really matter when it's a personal matter??? Questions, questions....)

Like I've said time and time again, I don't see the point in being with someone I'll eventually loathe just for the sake of having someone around now. I want ONE marriage to last till the end of my days.

But .. I do respect the Wisdom of the elders, and sometimes I wonder if they might be right. However, I've seen too many examples (again, the elders) of how that doesn't really seem to work either. Sure, they're still married, but they're not happy, not truly happy. Why would I want that for myself? Putting up with being alone is, I think, by far preferable than putting up with someone you can barely tolerate.

*thinking* However, my mother never once gave me that advice. She always told me to settle for nothing less than the best I can get .. well, and also that if you make your bed, then you'll have to lie with whatever (and whoever) is in it. Hee hee.

So what shall I do? At present, I don't see a better mechanism for myself, so I'll hold on to my stance, thank you very much. When I did meet Mr. Wonderful, he had already made a prior commitment. Peh. So what now? I'll wait for Mr. Wonderful II.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Of Friends and Amir Yussof, Music God.

I'm in a ... dreamy ... mood right now, thanks to Mr. Amir Yussof, who is possibly the best Malaysian artiste today. Arguable, of course, but it'd take waaaay too much to make me concede even an inch otherwise, so it would probably be best to just agree with me.

Wonderful stuff. Well, if you're into folk rock, then it's wonderful stuff, I guess; but it's also wonderfully melodic. The composition is somewhat complex, although it comes across as pleasantly simple. Very tuneful as well, besides having this amazing, soothing quality. And he's just soooo gosh darned sexy! Those dreads .. *swoon* .... I highly recommend his music. Best of all, he allows free downloads of some of his songs for samplers! Check out "Little Bird". Absolute genius, the man is. Also, I could put up with a lifetime of pure nagging from that voice. *swoon*

Sometimes people surprise you. You always have this idea of what a person is like .. and while with some people you can tell rightaway what they're like, some manage to surprise you. It's true that you can never (or is it should never?) judge a book by it's cover.

Shrek: An ogre is like ... an onion!
Donkey: ... They stink?
Shrek: Yes!! No!! They've got many layers!!


I've always prescribed to: Expect nothing from anyone, for when you have no expectations, everything else that happens can only be a pleasant surprise. Yes, I made that up. If you don't expect anything, then you'll never be disappointed. This is most especially true of loved ones. I try to not expect anything from them, because your loved ones are the ones capable of causing you the most grief.

I was pleasantly surprised today. I can't complain. :o)

Speaking of loved ones, one called today asking for help. It sounded serious. I can help, I'm more than capable of helping .. but if I do, I'm almost certain it's got something to do (indirectly) with something I disapprove of. However, that's none of my business.

What I've decided to do is help. Somewhat reluctantly, to be sure, but I'll help, no conditions posed, no questions asked. I know it wasn't a request easily made either, so ...

sigh* I'm such a softie sometimes that I make myself sick. I've always thought that I'm not easily manipulated, but if I'm honest with myself, manipulation doesn't work with me only if it's freakingly obvious. I cave in whenever the 'guilt' and 'sympathy' cards are played. I cave in worse than a termite-infested rumah papan. *sigh* God help me if anyone manages to get past that hard-candy shell .. I'm all gooey caramel inside. No resistance, I tell you. Whoever said compassion is a virtue?? *Not that I think myself overly compassionate. Passionate, maybe, but not compassionate. *G**

Well, I got lots of thanks and promises for payback, but the thing is, I didn't do it because I wanted eternal gratitude or payback with interest, I did it because a friend asked for help. What else can you do when your friends tell you they've reached a dead end? *sigh* That's what friends are for, anyway. I just hope that should I ever be in such need myself that I'll have friends I can count on too.

Unlike ONE person ... *grumbles* ... who actually keeps a tally of everything nice HE's done for me, but conveniently forgot everything nice I did for him. According to him, I never did ONE single nice thing for him in all our years of friendship. Not ONE single thing!!

Yeah, I'm still sore over his saying that ... and yet I've more or less given up the grudge. OoOoOooh, I've yet to forgive him for it .. nothing short of a full acknowledgement of his error AND an elaborate apology could make me forgive him!! Yes, I never forget, but I no longer hold a grudge. Well, not much of a grudge left anyway ... and it also helps that I can now be as sharp-tongued as I like to him whenever I feel spiteful, knowing full well he deserves it for being such an ass! Yes, I can be quite spiteful and mean too, but only under provocation. *Grrrrr* Okay, rant over.

Anyhow, friends are friends, unconditionally. Well, most of them are, anyway. *roll eyes* All I really expect from them are for them to be there for me as I am always there for them, on call 24/7, 365-and-a-quarter.

... Or should I really NOT expect anything from them at all? :o)



**AMIR YUSSOF** *swooooooon*





Photos Copyright © Amir Yussof 2002

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Of Boys and Men

Yikes. I just found out that the lastest guy I'm dating is 2 years my junior. ... .... ..... Yikes.

I've always maintained that age is just a number, that it's more a state of mind. Today, I've realised that I am a liar. No, not really. Perhaps it'd be more apt to say that I've been deluding myself somewhat. I've discovered that age, to me, is just a number ... but only if the guy is older than I. Or the same age. Or born in the same Gregorian calendar year. God help him, though, if he were born on the 1st of January, 1981. I don't know why, but I've never been able to be interested in younger men. Boys. Okay, there may be the source of it all. I think of younger men as boys. *A truly lightbulb moment there. The cartoon 'blink' at that moment of relevation was almost audible.*

I like my men to be Men. I've dated more than my fair share of boys, enough, at any rate, to come into the realisation of knowing what I want; and I want a Man.

I want a man with integrity. I want a man who is honest. (An honest man - a paradox? lol. Still, a girl can wish.) I want a man who is able to take resposibility, and I want a man with a decent sense of right and wrong. I want a man who is a man.

Oh, but one more thing. I want that man to be not gay. Gay men can be men as well, I know some of them who are amongst the finest specimen of Men, but I want a heterosexual man. *winkz*

Those are the bare basics, and highly general. Those characteristics, which woman does not yearn for, demand? More personally, I want a Man who knows how to treat me right. I don't believe chivalry is totally dead, it's just that most men have forgotten it. I want him to hold doors for me and pass through them only after me, to watch the path for me so I don't wet my feet in puddles, to comb the town for the perfect cheesecake for me if I so much as make the slightest comment of how much I love cheesecakes. I want that with him, I feel like a Woman. I don't care if all this may seem like backtracking the feminist movement, I am a woman and I dare any woman to tell me that she would not like to be treated thus.

I want a Man who makes me laugh, I want a Man who knows how to handle me. I'm fully aware that I'm not an easy person to handle, what with my odd random rantings, and sporadic bouts of moodiness, but I want a Man who can handle Me. I want a Man whose taste in music and interests match mine to a 'T'. I want a Man with whom I need not even complete my sentences for him to know what I mean. Heck, I don't even have to make a peep for him to know what I'm thinking. It's almost as though breathing is communication enough.

I want a Man who would love me for simply me, no more, no less, for that is all I have to offer. I want a Man who has no delusions of a fairytale love, for we all know that it does not exist. I want a Man who has both feet planted firmly on the ground, a Man with a strong sense of practicality and reason, but who in all this still retains the ability to dream.

I want a Man whom I can shower all my love on. I want a Man whom I can make happy, whose every wish I would have the opportunity to fulfil. I want this Man with whom I could grow old with, with whom I could share my life with, with whom I would live for, with whom I would die for. I want this Man with whom I would learn new things about every day, and love him more and more for each little lesson. Just as I want him to treat me as a Queen, I want him to be my King.

Am I asking for too much? I don't think so. I am not asking any man to BE any of this, what I am waiting for is the Man who IS all this. I may end up waiting forever, but believe I owe it to myself to choose the best I can, and I would sooner end up alone than settle for second best. That is my promise. The question is, does He really exist?

*silence* Unfairly, perhaps, I've realised that I've described this one Man. I believe that had I not met him, I would never have known perfection existed, and I would not have made that promise I did make to myself. He's not the most perfect human being on the planet, but being aware of my own inadequacies and character, he's nothing short of Perfect for me; no more, no less. The requirements for my Dream Man preceeded him; meeting him in the flesh was the singular most startling (and wonderous) discovery of my life. Unfortunately, he did not fulfil what is, perhaps, the most important requirement: that he had to be available. Sometimes I think that God has an extremely wicked sense of humour. Cubaan.... *ala Pendekar Bujang Lapuk*

Is he the One? The Only One I will ever meet my entire life? I believe not. There will be others like him, none exactly like him but, I believe, just as good. Whilst I believe in things like Love and Fate and Destiny, I don't believe that in the course of our lives, we will only fall in love with that ONE person, that each of us has only ONE TRUE Love. I believe our hearts are much too big for that.

Likewise, I believe that there is somebody (or some people?) for whom I am perfect for, without effort. It takes too much to be somebody I'm not, and that I will never be intimidated into being. True luck would be in us being perfect for each other. I am ever the optimist.

But I digress hugely from the theme I started off on. Yeah, to top off all that, I would also require him to be older than me. Well, not so much as require as imagine. I've always imagined my Dream Guy to be older than me. Always 4-6 years older. No, don't ask me how I came about these numbers as I haven't the foggiest. My mind works in bizzare ways.

This latest guy, I like him. For all that he's 22, he works to support his mother and brother as his dad has passed on. He's got dreams, and he seems to be capable of making them all come true. He's funny, no slouch in the brains department, and extremely amiable.

But from the outset I could tell that he's not everything I want. It's been a while now, and he's still nowhere near everything I want. I would love to keep him around for company's sake, but I wonder if it would be doing him an injustice?

And now to aggravate matters further, I find out he's younger than I. (I think he senses my hesitation in this as he's gone through some pains to subtly convince me that it's really no big deal. How sweet.) I really don't know why I'm so hung up on it, or why this should matter so much, I only know that it does! I'm trying to not let it bother me, and it works when I'm not thinking about it, but sometimes somethings just set me off on it again. *sigh* We're all prone to our little prejudices, and believe you me, I realise just how unfair this is little prejudice of mine is. Ah well, all I can promise is that I'll try my best, no more, no less. After all, did I not just write in my last entry about letting go of inhibitions?

Monday, April 12, 2004

Just to Fill the Void ...

*yawn*

Nothing of great interest has occurred since the last entry, nor has anything weird popped into my head for me to muse about. So why am I writing? It may have something to do with the fact that I am a new blogger and, perhaps, as a result have this nagging compulsion to write something .. anything! .. for filler's sake. lol .. obsessive, obsessive me ...

Speaking of obsessions, the new group exercise schedules at Fitness First DU are out .. whoopee! .. and sad as it may be, I have now planned entire weeks around said schedule. I am turning into a gym-junkie. (But it's just so much fun!!!) lolz .. If you told me a year ago that I would be going to the gym for fun, I would have written you off as being completely insane, and a wishful madperson at that! Oh, how things change! Yes, the once-incorregible sloth now goes to the gym when there is nothing else to do. (Watch TV? They've got 8 channels of ASTRO at the gym!) Of course, the muito macho gym instructors who make up the veritable smorgasboard of eye-candy provide the divine inspiration and unparallelled motivation for hoofing it over to the gym. They definitely make working out sooooo much more of an oogle-cum-flirt-fest and less a chore!! *hee hee heeeee..*

Yes, the group exercises are a ton of fun .. yes, even despite the aching muscles that lasts for days after. I wonder if I may be slightly masochistic; those aches and pains actually make me feel .. like I'm doing something useful. *????* lolz .. This feeling of needing to feel useful may have something to do with my current state of being stuck in a rut. Funny, isn't it, what a sense of lack of accomplishment does to the psyche?

Well, as it's all in line of my efforts to lose weight anyway ... Although thinking about it now, there hasn't been significant change in that department since I first joined the gym in October .. *hmm* .. There you have it, ladies and gents. Going to the gym DOES NOT aid in weight loss. *bleah* Well, at least it's built up my stamina. I actually managed to take in a 1-hour trek without wheezing like an asthmatic elephant! Hooray for me! *G*

I read this today. I wonder that people often take things too seriously nowadays. I thought the piece was extremely beautiful .. and sad. It was an important reminder to the necessity of letting your inhibitions go. Your writings have never failed to move me, Min. :o)

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Bleh.

*Bleh* Things are ... slow at the moment.

*Warbling at the top of my voice* I want to break free ...!!!

To make matters worse, my favourite BB is still down. :o( Irena, please fix it quick! Us junkies are experiencing various stages of withdrawal .. or/and boredom.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Affirmation - Savage Garden

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

Affirmation by Savage Garden

Monday, April 05, 2004

Are We Sheep of Society?

What a rejuvenating weekend!

Was over at Min's for a mini-slumber party. It was only an eetsy-beetsy party, as there were only 2 guests who, incidentally, only arrived at 11-ish .. but what we lacked in quantity, we made up for in quality.

Despite it being close to midnight, I arrived to the happy splish-sploshing of Min and Intan who *simply couldn't wait* for my arrival before jumping into the pool. Babysitting duties had to come first, la... Nevertheless, I managed to join them in good time, and what began as an oh-so-chilly dip evolved into a full-fledged catching-up-on-the-latest-gossip session (of which, due to the 2-month incarceration, I was woefully behind on!), some semi-exercise, a mini refresh-your-vocabulary lesson by Intan, and a thorough testing of the amazing amplifying properties of water. We really should have gone round apologizing to your neighbours in the morning!

This was then followed by "Mona Lisa Smile", where not only did the students of Wellesley College and Ms Catherine Watson learn a few lessons, but so did I. Comparisons to "Dead Poets Society" are inevitable, but while critics (other critics, that is. ;op) condemn MLS to being a poorer 'copy' of DPS, I beg to differ. While it is true that the basis of the movies are alike, but even in similar circumstances, many different lessons may be taught .. and learned.

Although I did not find the movie 'powerful', it nevertheless made quite an impression on me. This may strongly be due to the fact that it is a story about women and I am a woman. :o) It also made me realise how lucky I am to be a woman living in this present era.

It also makes me wonder: Had I been a woman of that era (i.e. the 50's), would I have held those same values and ideals dear? Which further brings me to the issue of whether should we, in this present day and age, allow society's ideals and demands set the mould for the shapes of our lives and guide our decisions? For if we do, then are we really any different from the women portrayed in that movie?

I thought that that was the singular lesson of that movie: not allowing the common census dictate the pattern of which your life would follow.

Understandably, there is a reason why Norms of Society are Norms of Society, but I have long held the belief that unless you yourself agree with said Norms because they truly are what you believe in, not just what everyone else says is right, then who's to say that just because it is a Norm that it is right?

Ooh .. long sentence. Sorry. :o)

Humans being humans vary greatly, and frankly, I find the rigid rules of society to be unfairly unaccomodating. After all, who is to say that sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander? Yes, yes, I know, the idiom originally means something else, but really, who is to say that sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander .. unless, of course, the gander himself says so! lol .. Me and my convoluted theories ..

This is plainly illustrated in the movie. To the girls, getting married is the ultimate ambition, Ms Watson tells them no, it isn't and it shouldn't be, but one of the girls then discovers that yes, it can be because it is what I believe in and most importantly, it is what I want.

This is my whole point, that society's ideals shouldn't influence what we, personally, hold ideal. Too many times I see people aspiring to be something society tells them to be, what society tells them they should be. I find it sad, and more than a little infuriating .. but most especially with the people who perpetuate the vicious cycle!

*Argh! Don't even get me started on the so-called "Pillars" and "Creme de la Creme" of Society! Exemplars my @$$!! I've never seen a bunch of more self-serving, self-important, self-absorbed Herd of Cattle my entire (23-and-a-half years of) life!!! If they are what society, in general, should aspire to, then it is in my humble opinion that society is going down the drain.*

Hmm.. maybe not so humble after all. So much for my resolution to be less judgemental this year.

No, I don't hold in high regard society's ideals nor public opinion, because ultimately, you are the one who has to live with yourself the most. It's not like you have much of a choice anyways, so why be something you're uncomfortable being, or more importantly, someone you're not? I realise what I have to say next may come across as sounding selfish, but I can't live my life for other people. Why should I work so hard at pleasing other people instead of working to please me? I'm no less important than everybody else, and if I don't please me, then who will? Moreover, if I am not pleased with myself, then how can other people be pleased with me?

Call a rogue a rogue? :o) I believe in self-preservation: preservation of my own happiness, preservation of my sanity, and preservation of my principles, integrity and individuality. If my ideals happen to conform to societal norms, so be it; and if they don't, then So. Be. It. I'm making myself happy. Not to the exclusion of others, of course. I am not so self-absorbed! lolz .. But I've learned that I am the only one who can be depended on to take care of Me.

*Ahem* Back to the 'slumber party'. :oD We finally dropped off to sleep at about 3.30am .. slept like logs. I have no idea if I snored, but I was so tired I don't remember dreaming at all. Next thing I knew, Intan came in after being awake hours before we finally woke and Min was verbally dragging me out of bed.

Lunch with the girlygirls was super fun! It was officially in honour of Huda's birthday, but did we ever need a reason to have fun?? :oD lolz ... Still, an early Happy Birthday to Huda! OoOoooOoOOooh .. and the food was superb .. *yum*

My only .. "regret" .. was not being able to go window shopping. :o( lol! I have happily found a new shopping 'kaki'. Finally, one who will be able to match me step-by-millionth-happy-step in the quest for the perfect .. whatever! lolz .. Again, do we really need a reason to have fun? Heheee .. Takpe. Next Saturday we'll go to Ratu with Auntie Arfah .. then we can visit the British India kat GEM, ok Intan? *awaiting the arrival of Saturday with devilish glee*

Friday, April 02, 2004

Getting To Know Me: Part I

I AM: impatiently awaiting a New Beginning. I am tired of being stuck in a rut.

I WANT: (please refer to previous post)

I HAVE: *nothing, nothing, nothiiiing .. if I don't have youuuuu* hehee. I have a lot of love to give.

I WISH: I could be free to live the life I want.

I HATE: it when people are patronizing. It irritates the shite out of me.

I MISS: feeling carefree.

I WONDER: if I'll ever be able to feel carefree again.

I FEAR: dying before letting my loved ones know just how much I love them; friends, family, and loves.

I HEAR: silly questions and debates chasing themselves round and round in my head. Someone make them shut up!

I REGRET: not fighting for what I want when I still had the chance to do it.

I LOVE: unconditionally, honestly, whole-heartedly. Ooh! Ooh! Animals! I love animals too!

I ALWAYS: feel that sincerity is the best virtue a person could possibly possess.

I DANCE: like a drunk hippopotamus, but I always dance with joy.

I SING: appallingly! .. But I always sing with passion. :o)

I CRY: at Petronas holiday adverts, and whenever the feeling of total hopelessness overwhelms me.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: little Miss Cheerleader. I suppose I do have a generally sunny desposition and it does take a lot to piss me off, but you don't want to see me pissed-off.

I NEED: to feel the Winds of Change.

I SHOULD: really stop obsessing over things I have no control of.

Yes Or No

x. You keep a diary: *duh*

x. You like to cook: a resounding YES! (Well, I like to bake.)

x. You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: *um. Not sure how to answer this* Collectively, all my friends know my 'secrets'. (Are they still called secrets then?) But no one person knows everything. Wait. I just reread the question, and the answer would therefore have to be No. Yes! Wait! I just remembered that I have ONE I've never shared! *mee hee hee*

x. You believe in love: YES. Absolutely.

The People You Know

The Weirdest: Joshua. Josh is lovely! .. but still weird. :o)

The Loudest: Me? *blush* No, Harry.

The Cutest: Fareed, my two-year-old baby brother!! *EEEeeEEeee!!*

Your closest friend(s): OMG, my bridesmaid list would be longer than the guest list! In alphabetical order, to be diplomatic! : Apin, Del, Don, Fong, Joanne, Lan, Lut, Nadia Ang, Nadia Tan, Nizam, Tina, Yazmin .. (sorry if I missed any!)

The People who know most about you: my sister Nadia, Don, Fong, Lan, Nadia Tan, Nizam, Yazmin.

Think you're a health freak: nobody! lol .. I am the antithesis of a health freak! *junk food .. yummm ...*

Get along with your parents: All my friends do.

FAVORITES

NUMBER(S): 1 million, 5(carats). Mwahahaaaaa!

COLOR(S): of money, grade D. *bwahahaa!* Naw. My favourite colours are probably red, pinks, purples, blues and yellow. I am a primary girl, I am. :o)

DAY: HOLIDAY(S)!

MONTH: I don't know why, but April.

NOTE: (IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU....)

CRIED? yes. B@$+@rd .. but he's my b@$+@rd.

HELPED SOMEONE? yes.

BOUGHT SOMETHING? no.

BEEN SICK? as in hopelessly depraved? yes. :o) but yes to the other kind as well. ;o)

GONE TO THE MOVIES? no.

GONE OUT FOR DINNER? yes.

WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? no.

WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? if blogs count, then yes.

HAD A SERIOUS TALK? no.

HUGGED SOMEONE? yes.

FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? no.

PLAYED ANY GAMES ONLINE? nope.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

My Wish List

My internal clock has been severely tampered with. I find myself dozing off for 1/2 hour naps when I should be eating lunch, drifting zombie-like around the house at 10am, and wolfing down a bowl Hazelnut Squares and milk at 1:19am. *slurp*

Day and night no longer have meaning. I find myself doing the laundry at 4am, and having to severely repress the urge to practise my violin at 3am.

I need a loooooooooong break! What I want is, at the very least, a whole week just for me.

I want to get a full-body massage, and I want to catch up on all those movies I missed all on the same day. (Movie marathon! Anyone with me? *G*)

I want to laze by the sea (failing which, I'll settle for a pool) and do nothing more than flip over every so often so as to even out my tan.

I want to spend a small fortune at MPH and Kinokuniya, catching up on a year's worth of reading.

I want to get my hair cut. It's looong past due. I look like Shaggy's sister.

I want to go see the TePapa's Lord of the Rings Exhibition, but I don't want to go to Singapore. I am torn. Yes, my boycott of Singapore is still in effect. Half a year and it has diminished not an ounce. But I first found out about this exhibition almost 2 years ago, and have been waiting to see it ever since. My argument for going is that I've been wanting to go waaaay before I even met the Reason which gave rise to the Great Singapore Boycott, and my argument for abstaining is that the thought of Singapore is still too painful for me. I lost something extremely valuable, something absolutely irreplaceable to Singapore, and I'll never be able to forgive, much less forget, not if I lived to be a thousand years old. So, to go, or not to go? That is the question.
~ My most profound apologies to Shakespeare for murdering his prose

I want to have a nice night out with the girls. The Girlygirls.
~ Min, despite the porn-connotations, you've Named us, and I suppose we're stuck with it! lolz..

I want to get in touch with old, long-lost friends.

I want to be happy, to be loved and to give love in return. It may sound cliched, but there's a reason why some things are so often said.

Most of all, I want to wake up one day and say to myself, "I want nothing more, I have everything I could possibly need."