After an earlier conversation with a friend about .. well, this and that .. it, indirectly, got me to thinking about me and my ... umm .. reluctance towards relationships. To quote the mightly irked Mr. X: "You're afraid of commitment!!!!" ::rolleyes:: I, at the time, dismissed his accusation as pure bosh as it wasn't that I was afraid of commitment, I just didn't want to commit myself to him! He was a whiny, fussy, really melemaskan type, the kind of guy who had to call every 2 hours to see what I was doing, and because he missed me. ????????? Get real. It's not sweet, it's helluva irritating. Makes me wonder what I ever saw in him. Hmmm .... Maybe I thought he was cute, but whatever physical attraction there might have been initially was totally overridden by his irritating-ness. Yes, I have this nasty habit of inventing words when my vocabulary fails me.
*Flicks on a lighter and sways to Broery Marantika's Jangan Ada Dusta Antara Kita* Sorry. Nice song.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, at the time, I may have not commit for the right reasons. I plainly didn't like him. Anymore.
But after (and some before) him came guys who I did like. Nice, decent guys. Unfortunately, still no commitments. Why not, for Heaven's sake, if I like them? The reason is quite simple: I am notoriously picky, and they were not ideal. *sigh* Hence, still single, never had a boyfriend. Ever. I don't know if any of them ever considered me a girlfriend at some point or another (I suspect that some did), but I couldn't say I thought of any of them as my boyfriend. Significant Other. I guess it takes love for you to think of someone that way, and thought I was - and still am - incredibly fond of some of them, I never really loved any of them.
So I didn't make the commitments because I didn't think it was fair for them to be in a one-sided relationship. I honestly believed that they deserved much more than what pittance I was giving them. Good men, who deserved more than what I wasn't willing to give. Besides, it made me feel like a Wicked Witch, the way I was treating them. I suppose it could be argued that I might have eventually fallen in love with them, given time, but I really didn't feel that it was right. What happens if I then met the real man of my dreams?
And there you have it. Tonight, after talking to Yazmin, it occured to me that there may have been some truth to Mr. X's exasperated accusation, after all. I am afraid of commitment. What if I had made a commitment to someone, THEN met the real man of my dreams? That is what I'm afraid of. I can't help but think I'd've robbed myself of too much if that were to happen, not to mention how unfair it would be to whoever it was I'd committed to at the time.
But doesn't 'commitment' mean you should stand by your choices, come what may? Yes, exactly. I know that should that happen, then I would honour my commitment, but at the same time, I wouldn't be able to help feeling resentment; resentment with the whole situation, resentment at whomever I'm with because he isn't perfect, and resentment with Mr. Wonderful because he hadn't appeared in my life sooner. Not fair? Certainly, but whoever said emotions had ever been fair? That's why nobody should think with their hearts.
Besides, I hate breaking promises, and if commitments are anything, they're promises. It's my policy to never make promises I can't and know that I will be unable to keep. Thus, I am not good at this breaking-up business, so I avoid it altogether by not making any promises! Wahey!
I have a horde of aunts and uncles who are getting increasingly concerned about my unchanging 'single' status. lolz ... I've heard that the first thought of a persistently single female is that she might be gay. Hmmm.. there's a thought ... lolz! No way. I don't have anything against lesbianism, but I find men waaaaay too yummy to give up. *winkz*
But as a result of all that concern, everytime I attend a family do, I'm absolutely inundated with "Do you have a boyfriend yet?", "Are you still single?!?!!", "I have this friend who has a son .... Baik orangnya." God help me. But of most concern to me is the advice I've been getting from well-meaning aunts, uncles, and proxy-parents. It seems almost universally agreed upon that I shouldn't be too .. umm .. selective. You take the best you've got, and make the best out of it that you can. That's what marriage (and life) is all about.
Are they right? Am I setting the bar too high? Should I compromise my ideals and lower my standards merely for the sake of having someone around? Have I been too idealistic? (Why is it that we always ask others to affirm our beliefs? Does .. should! .. an objective opinion from the outside really matter when it's a personal matter??? Questions, questions....)
Like I've said time and time again, I don't see the point in being with someone I'll eventually loathe just for the sake of having someone around now. I want ONE marriage to last till the end of my days.
But .. I do respect the Wisdom of the elders, and sometimes I wonder if they might be right. However, I've seen too many examples (again, the elders) of how that doesn't really seem to work either. Sure, they're still married, but they're not happy, not truly happy. Why would I want that for myself? Putting up with being alone is, I think, by far preferable than putting up with someone you can barely tolerate.
*thinking* However, my mother never once gave me that advice. She always told me to settle for nothing less than the best I can get .. well, and also that if you make your bed, then you'll have to lie with whatever (and whoever) is in it. Hee hee.
So what shall I do? At present, I don't see a better mechanism for myself, so I'll hold on to my stance, thank you very much. When I did meet Mr. Wonderful, he had already made a prior commitment. Peh. So what now? I'll wait for Mr. Wonderful II.
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