Monday, November 29, 2004

And Yet ...

Sigh. So much to write about, so much. Yet ...

Writing is such wonderful therapy. When troubled: write. When upset: write. When I'm sad, down and depressed: write. When I'm lost, confused and trying to make sense of things: write. Yet ...

Deciding to leave the past where it belongs - in the past - is one thing. Moving on from it is another. Thing is, it is not an instantaneous process. It will - it must - progress at its own pace. I can't hurry it. And yet ...

I wish I could.

Of late, I've been living my life in the third perspective. I see what's going on, I am aware of it, yet I am removed from it all. It's like watching a movie. Nothing is personal, nothing affects me. Nothing breaks through this stasis.

I wish it wasn't so. I want to feel.

I am tired of living behind walls, of being numb, of feeling indifferent. It's wanting something, desiring something so much, yet not being able to reach out and grasp what is only an arm's length away.

With Him, it was necessary to erect an emotional buffer. When I was happy with him, I was insanely happy. Love is a powerful drug. But when I was upset, it would plunge me into an abyss of despair so absolute and overwhelming that there was nothing left for me to do but to hide and sob as if my soul was being rent into a hundred million pieces. A bit bombastic, but you know what? That really was exactly what it felt like. The highs were unbelievably high, and the lows so despairingly low. Love is a powerful drug.

So what did I do? I retreated into myself, reasoning that it was by far better to feel nothing than a destructive whirlwind of emotions. It didn't make me happy, but at least I no longer wished I would go to sleep and never wake up just so the insanity would stop. The oblivion of sleep, when I could sleep, was a blessing, a small respite from my torment, and being numb was better than going insane ... but now I'm beginning to wonder if living in an emotional fortress is any better?

I am afraid of opening myself to the possibility of disappointment again. I am not a risk-taker by nature. I am cautious, and deliberate. It takes me a while to get used to an idea, I need to let it float around in my head awhile, ponder it, meditate on it, become accustomed to the feel of it first before being able to decide what to do about it, before acting on it. I realise that this may cause me to miss certain opportunities, but I'd rather miss a few opportunities than suffer the consequences of a rash decision.

.. And I'm only just realising that sometimes what I need is a gentle, but firm push in the right direction. I am not afraid of change, but I am rarely confident enough to take that crucial first step. And much as I don't like being pushed, I think that sometimes I do need it. Only don't push too far. :o)

Nothing new, is this? *chuckles* As if I am the first person to ever go through it all. But maybe it really is time to come out of my cocoon and live again.

I'm so sorry, pet. You make me happy. Happier, at least. Sometimes. Most times. I miss the scent of you.

You're just there. And I'm trying to reach out.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Without You - Silverchair


Miles away
There's hopeless smiles brighter than mine
And I need for you to come and go
Without the truth falling out.

Old incisions refusing to stay
Like sun through the trees on a cloudy day

Telephone
Socially scared and impaired
If the trees will bloom the wind can blow
Without the fruit falling out

Feels like the wind blows
Holding you with us
She takes no other
False light and ashes
Blooming like winter

Dry eyes and cracked lips
Under the stone wall
Withdrawn and wishless

You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat
But it melts in the sun like a life without love
But I've waited for you so I'll keep crying out
Without You


~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

He got married today.

... Numb. All I feel is ... numb.

Dry eyes and cracked lips
Under the stone wall
Withdrawn and wishless
Without You

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Lessons From Adrian Mole

Sitting cross-legged on my bed, typing an entry into my laptop, sipping on a wonderfully scalding mug of jasmine tea, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw - sans the bizzare (but occasionally to-die-for) clothes, the Manolos and the interesting lovers. Laughs. For some obscure reason, it feels .. cool. Eh heh. I suppose being able to identify with someone so famous makes you feel less alone in this big bad world, that you're not the only one with wonky problems. But then again, that's exactly why Sex and the City is so popular with women - we all (or almost all) identify with the ladies; we're all a little bit of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, and we all wish we had a Mr Big in our lives.

I've just finished reading the Adrian Mole Diaries by Sue Townsend, the last one being Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction. It was a good read. Adrian starts off as an unhappy, horribly naive thirteen-and-three-quarters-year-old with a superiority complex who grows up to be an unhappy, horribly naive adult with a superiority complex, only with real, adult problems, ie. credit card debts, wages, housing mortgage, women, illegitimate children, etc. Adrian goes through his whole life believing himself intellectually and morally superior to mostly everyone else, with very few exceptions.

It's amusing to see how Adrian handles what life throws his way, and especially how he handles other people's opinions of him - which is that of a dorkish, gawky, socially awkward boy who never grew up.

I found myself being drawn into Adrian's character, mostly because it's written in the first person (they are his diaries, after all) and Sue Townsend just has a gift with words. It shocked me just as much as it shocked Adrian to discover what people thought of me - I mean, him. Of course.

And it made me wonder - is what we think we are, truly who we are? Of course, we say other people's opinions of us don't matter ultimately, but yet .. maybe we're the ones deluding ourselves.

Take Adrian, for example. He believes himself to be a humanitarian, a generous, caring and responsible member of society, a writer-savant, a misunderstood intellectual, a man of incredible wit. His friends, however, (if you could call them that) think he's a general all-around loser, a socially-bumbling idiot, frequently insensitive, delusional about his so-called-literary skills, and, to quote his father, a "tight-fisted git who always has his well-groomed head stuck in a book". Laughs.

But seriously, I wonder how many of us are like that, if not all of us?

How many of us believe we are better than what we really are?

Or is what we think we are, really what we are?

Barring those who pretend to be something they're not, most of us try to be true to our characters. We say what we really mean, act the way we really feel, and take pride in our successes and achievements, because we've earned them. But let's be honest here: how many of us really acknowledge our shortcomings, our faults, and our failures?

And that is the problem with Adrian Mole. He didn't think he had any. Well, not many, anyway, and they weren't major.

A penny for your thoughts.

However, in the last book (apparently the last book, ever), Adrian finally does grow up. Riddled with debt, desolation and romantic drama, he finally stops seeing the world through the naive eyes of a child (at the age of thirty-four-and-three-quarters), and truly comes to terms with his relative insignificance and mortality.

I read the epilogue with mixed feelings. I was glad that Adrian finally grew up, and that he now seems happy as a result of it; but I was also sad. See, to grow up, Adrian had to first lose all his illusions. Everything came crashing down on him all at once, and that was when his disillusionment occured.

And I find it sad that you have to be disillusioned to survive as an adult, that you have to be disillusioned to be realistic. How much nicer the world was behind child-tinted glasses, when the only real mean thing in this world were the adults.

Illusions are nice. Dreams are nice, but maybe they belong to another time, when the world is actually a much better place.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I Have My Own Internet Test!

Yes, the Internet-tests addict had finally got her OWN Internet test! It's like giving a 6-year-old free rein of a candy store.

>Take the Jas Internet Test<

A squijillion thanks to Fong for letting me rip a page off her site, yah? He he he. *hugz*

Mini-rant:
Well, not really a rant, but it never ceases to stupefy me how some people are absolutely incapable of finding things on the Internet when all it really takes is a few short clicks of buttons and 1.675 seconds. Have they never heard of Google?

p.s: Besok Hari Raya!!!! Happy Aidilfitri to everyone! Wishing you all a joyful celebration with your loved ones, may the blessings be in abundance. I'll also take this opportunity to susun 20 jari (tangan and kaki) to mintak ampun for any sakit hati a slip of my tongue or anything I might have done unintentionally caused. Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

A Most Delightful Day

Today was possibly the best day I've had in years.

I spent it being a hippie in Lake Gardens, enjoying a bright sunny day from under the shade of trees, reading a good book and playing my guitar.

I spent it learning how to shoot arrows.

I spent it browsing through MPH and Kinokuniya for nothing in particular, and instead coming away with treasures.

I spent it sipping fragrant jasmine tea, and I spent it by having a fascinating mini-debate over the nature of Truth.

I spent it in amazing company. Thank you.

:o)

I had a lovely day. I am content.

Have a great day, everyone else! :o)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Enjoying The Rain

Talk about severe mood swings.

Solitude is a forgotten concept.

You know what's nice? Sitting up in the Kinokuniya cafe, watching the rain fall on my dusky, sleepy city with a double espresso in my hands. Alone.

Cashier: Cik, you do know it's a very, very strong coffee, kan?
Me: Er, yeees. *Cocks an eyebrow* I know. That's the point.
Cashier: Ah. *Pause* Yes. *Pauses some more* Good choice.


Same waiter/cashier also tried to hit on me. Considering I had on an almost-pyjama top over my hastily pulled on jeans (*sniff* smells clean), I thought it was amusing.


p.s. As of the last post, my "Previous Posts" section only displays, well, the current post. I have no idea how to fix it, and it's bugging the hell out of me! Does any other Blogger know how to fix this?

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Cinta - Flop Poppy

Dan ku nyanyikan kau lagu cinta
Seindahnya sinar mentari
Seanggunnya sinar rembulan

Dan ku nyanyikan kau lagu rindu
Karna sesungguhnya hati ini
Masih lagi lemas dalam
Kerinduan

Cintaku
Hampir setiap kalinya
Tak jemu-jemu
Cintaku
Nyanyikan lagu ini
Cintaku
Hampir setiap kalinya
Tak jemu-jemu
Cintaku
Nyanyikan lagu ini
Penawar rindu

Telah ku sebutkan namamu
Dalam doaku setiap harinya
Agar kau kembali
Menenangkan hati dan perasaan

Ini bukan yang pertama kalinya
Cintaku pergi

Hampir setiap kalinya
Tak jemu-jemu
Cintaku
Nyanyikan lagu ini
Penawar rindu.

"Cinta" ~ Flop Poppy


Jadikan lagu ini penawar rindu.

I miss him so much. <:'o(

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Wise Words (Of Warning?) From My Mother

My mother and I talked a few days ago. Not so much heart-to-heart as woman-to-woman, wiser (albeit a bit warped) mother to as-yet-still-tender daughter.

It all started with my mother talking about my sister’s somewhat-former-boyfriend, of whom she disapproves. She doesn’t think that their relationship is a healthy one, and I for one agree with her, but I think my sister needs to learn some things on her own. Truthfully, I like the guy, but that doesn’t mean theirs is a healthy relationship.

Anyway, Mum’s comment got me thinking about another conversation I had, this time with above-mentioned sister. She knows Mum doesn’t approve of her beau, and this once when I was in a nak-taknak relationship and I tried to introduce my guy to her, Mum showed signs of disapproval too, although she never said anything to me directly. I found out later that she believed the guy was after our money. What money? Haha. Thinking about it now, though, I'm certain he sure as hell wasn't in it for my irresistable charms and stunning looks, because those are non-exsistent. Goes to show you really should listen to your mother. What did I see in the guy anyway?

Well, moving on. So the million-dollar question was: What exactly is the procedure for introducing our (prospective) partners to her?

Yes, there most certainly is an undeclared procedure. We are dealing with the woman who insists that none of her (future) menantus call her “Mother” or “Mak”, but “Ma’am”. The woman who says that when she stands, then none of her menantus (or 'meng-hantu's, as she plans to call them) can sit, and that if she sits, none of their heads should be higher than hers. No, that applies at all times, not only when she's sitting. Just be grateful that she is 5”4’ and not 4”10’ like her mother is. You also had to be there to believe me when I say that eventhough she was sort of ha-ha joking, she was actually quite serious about it.

To answer the soalan cepu emas, however:

RULE #1 Do not shock/stun/surprise her. Sister's beau is 6'3" and Her Most Exalted Highness happened to be sitting when he was first introduced to her. Not a good start. He already broke this rule, not to mention ALL the provos mentioned above. On top of all that, he called her “Auntie” *gasp!!!*

RULE #2 He must have impeccable manners.

RULE #3 He must be well-dressed.

RULE #4 He must offer her tea, on his knees, kowtow three times and beg her permission to court her daughter. Actually, I was the one who had to sarcastically add this, and she liked the idea so much that she decided to add it to the other three rules. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.

The list goes on, but the gist of it is that the first impression matters. A LOT. And what matters almost more is the pre-first impression, that is the impression she gets of him from us.

(More Rules:)

RULE #5 Never lie to her. Also means don’t date him secretly and introduce him only after she suspects you already have a boyfriend. Also means don’t make up unlikely stories just so you can sneak out/steal time to meet him. That’s asking for the death sentence for him with her.

RULE #6 Never make her children cry. No man is worth even the tiniest drop of tears from her children. So if you have to cry, do it very, very quietly so she can’t hear you, and if she does hear you anyway, pretend it’s your allergies acting up. I swear, that woman has the ears of a bat!

RULE #7 He must offer her tea, on his knees, kowtow three times and beg her permission to court her daughter. *G*

Yes, she has a lot of Rules for whole sets of what she deems proper comportment, but it essentially boiled down to this:

1. that he be a good man, with good values, good intentions and a good heart,

2. that he respects you as an individual, and most importantly, as an equal human being,

3. that he never abuses you; physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise,

4. that he is not some insane psycho whose idea of a marriage proposal is threatening to burn down your father’s house if you refuse. Yes, it’s true, I am not kidding.


My mother is also not only unconcerned that at my (what some would consider) advanced age I am still single with no boyfriend, nevermind marriage, in sight, but she actually seems .. relieved. In fact, she all but forbids me to even think about marriage.

Last week, we were at the jewellers, toying with the idea of buying this sumptuous diamond necklace. It was absolutely stunning, with a wreath of flowers and leaves intertwined in a somewhat abstract motif, intimately circling the neck, coming to a beautifully spread rest at the base of the throat. Absolutely exquisite.

Unfortunately, a piece like that needs an Event to do it justice, and we aren’t exactly what you would call socialites. Mum jokingly said that well, just to wear that necklace, we would have to have a wedding! I jokingly replied that well, sigh, I guess I’ll just have to get married now, won’t I? To which she replied, "Kahwin?!! *shudder* Oh no no no no.. Not yet!" And she was dead serious.

It was during this last conversation I had with her that I found out the reason why.

She wants us to meet more people, date different types of men, as many as we can, before we finally decide how we want to settle down, and with whom. She wants us to know all the different types of people, their different personalities, to know what people are truly like before we make that major decision. She wants it so that when we finally make that decision, it will be an informed one. She wants it so that we’ll never regret the decision we made, and even if we do regret it, that we don’t regret it too much. She doesn’t want us to make the same mistakes she did.

There’s a saying that goes, "You learn from the mistake of others, because you won’t live long enough to make them all yourself." I don’t know who said that. I got it from a Domino’s fridge magnet, but as dubious as the source may be, it doesn’t make it any less profound or true.

All my mother was trying to tell me is that she wants to do everything in her power to prevent us from having the same regrets she had.

We’ve always been a close-knit family. We’re very affectionate with each other, and we tell each other ‘I love you’ a lot. For so many years now, we kids have been taught to be adults, to be responsible, to be grown up. Sometimes, when we’re exercising our rights as adults, Mum nags and nags relentlessly, about how we don’t dress well enough, about our staying out late, about talking on the phone so much, and we think, "God, give us a break, Mum! We’re not kids anymore!"

But when she told me how she would protect all her children from unnecessary pain, unnecessary regrets, regardless of whether it’s her daughter or son, I felt something I hadn’t felt in so many years. I felt like her child again. And I realised that despite all the nagging, she really meant every word of it, that she would protect us with her life. I’ve heard it all before, she’s said it so many times, but only then I realised the full meaning of what she was saying. She would give her everything for any one of us, she would give her life for all of us, the way she would for nobody else in the world.

This is what unconditional love is. This is what it truly is.

...

She also told me that even when you’ve made the best decision you can make, it can still turn out to be the wrong one.

And when (if) that happens, you’ll have to either bite the bullet, or you admit your error and try to rectify your mistakes. Either way, you’ll ultimately only have yourself to depend on.

She also passed on to me words of wisdom she learned from her mother:

1. Never depend on a man, no matter how good he is. Learn to be self-reliant.

2. Even if you are married and he makes a million bucks a week, have your own source of income, or be able to because there is no telling when you might need to fall back on it.

3. Always wash your hands before you cook, and make sure the food is always thoroughly cleaned, even if it is not totally fresh. Your food will last for days.

Actually, my grandma taught me the last one. Hey, it's very important, ok? Not everything important is related to relationships! ;o)

You learn something new everyday. The difference lies only in whether you choose to heed it or not.

Friday, November 05, 2004

I've Got Prostitutes In My Room ...

... flowers, that it. *smirk* My room smells lover-ly! *twirls*

What I learned today: If you're feeling suicidal, do NOT listen to Neon Ballroom by Silverchair. It's just the thing to push you over the edge. Literally.

Not to say I don't like the album, I think it's a great album, but it's extreeeeemely depressing! <:o(

Also, not to say I'm feeling suicidal, but just take my word on this. Do NOT listen to this album if you're going through a breakup/depression/pet dieded, etc. You'll go nutters.

On the other hand, Gutterflower by the Goo Goo Dolls is a great pick-me-up. Then again, I might just be biased. ;o)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Leaving The Past Where It Belongs

So, here we are again. It's been a long time since the last post, huh? Two main reasons: no inspiration, but most pertinently, no Internet connection at home! *Sob!* The house is getting a major face-lift, and I think a workman tripped over the phone cable (which runs over the roof) to my streamyx. Then the other line got its service temporarily disconnected because the bill wasn't paid. No Internet! Really can sei lor... Fortunately, we went to pay the bill today. Hooray! Streamyx still down, tho. Boo!

Oh, before I forget, a belated Happy Birthday, Ben, my love! I didn't forget, sweetheart! May you be Blessed with the best life has to offer, dearest, and find much joy within. I love ya, Bennie! *G*

And speaking of Bern, I was watching this mini-series on HBO earlier: Carnivale. It was on at about 10:30pm, and I think it was the fifth episode. Must look for the others. It's dark, reaaaaaally dark, but sooo good! *shivers* I watched the first half of it in utter confusion, and the ending totally stunned the hell out of me. My God, was it dark! And that, of course, brought comparisons to Poe, which, natually, led to our MzFernz. Gosh, how I miss you, Ben!

~@~@~@~@~@~

I had a Conversation today. Yes, a Conversation. No, a Conversation. Nods head, for emphasis.

Anyway, it made me realise a few things, and it brought a measure of closure to an issue that has haunted me persistently throughout the last two years, or so. And it was .. liberating. It hurt like hell, it did, but this time, it was a good kind of hurt; one that you know will only accelerate the healing.

Sometimes you cling onto things because .. hell, I don't really know why. I suppose you're afraid of losing it, because you're afraid you'll never again find something quite like it, ever. Even if it's bad, you cling to it because even if it's bad, at least you still have it. Despite all indications, all logical and rational thought, all portents and signs otherwise, and against all well-meaning advice, you're afraid to go without it again, not when it's something you've always wanted, asked for, prayed for. Something you've always dreamed about, something you never thought could possibly exist. It's hard to give up a fantasy come real.

Then, one fine day, you realise just how stupid you've been, chasing after something that really isn't yours to hang on to. And you realise just how ridiculous the whole situation has been, how futile your persistence was as you realise that this was simply something Destiny hadn't cast as your lot. And when you're able to wake up one day, and laugh at your own stupidity, then can the healing begin.

It still hurts to let go, it truly does; partly because you're still so afraid, and partly because you've been at it for so long, and everyone knows how hard it is to break a habit. But hard as it might be, painful as it might initially be, you no longer think it'll kill you. And the fear is still there, only it's no longer all-consuming, tying you down.

This might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it is to me. I feel .. liberated, and it feels wonderful.

This is a time of great introspection for me. Therefore, as usual, my phone will be switched off, indefinitely. To You, I'm so sorry, I really am, but this is something I need to do, for a while. You know who you are, dear. I really am sorry, I'll make it up to you somehow. I just need this time alone for me. Don't be too upset with me.

The world looks beautiful right now, and I feel wonderful.

p.s. MrBurns, yup, my email account has deleted the posts you sent. I really would love to read them, and I would appreciate it greatly if you would resend 'em, please? Thanks a gajillion, pip. :o)