When Best Just Isn't Good Enough

There are times when you feel like such a complete incompetent, and it doesn't matter that people tell you it's okay, because the job was just way over your head anyway, so you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Well, it doesn't feel okay.

It makes you feel such a failure when other people have to be called in to help you do what you were supposed to do.

It makes you wonder if you know what the hell you're doing.

It makes you start to wonder and doubt if you'll be able to live up to even your own expectations, nevermind your boss'.

It makes you feel like you're an idiot moron.

Feeling LUSH-ious!

Have I mentioned my love affair with LUSH? Look at what the BFF brought back for meeeeeeee!!!

*swoon*

The booty:
Fever Massage Bar
Herbalism Facial Cleanser
Heavenly Bodies Buttercream
Flying Fox Shower Gel
Rub Rub Shower Scrub
Mask of Magnaminty
Shimmy Shimmy Sparkle Massage Bar
Free Toner Samplers

Guess who jumped straight into a LUSH-ious shower, nevermind that it was 2am?

Bliss!

Contentment

Contentment is having to be at work up to 10 hours a day, but being happy to hear your boss' voice because it's just soooo mellifluous: rich, smooth and comforting, like the creamiest peanut butter on Earth.

Mmmmmmm....

The Hyenas Laugh

What more are we than meat
And skeletons
Rattling our way
Through this existence?

Aimless.
Empty.
Meaningless.

All of it
Meaningless.

In the distance, hyenas laugh.

Come Back to Me

David Cook is fast becoming my favourite new act, nevermind I have no idea what he looks like.

-----------------
You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you
You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you... come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do.

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you... come back to me
Come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need.
I'll be right here, waiting to see
You find you... come back to me

When you find you...
Come back to me

~David Cook~
Come Back to Me

For You

Trawling through old drafts I found this, dated 04 January 2007.

So much has happened since. So much has changed, and yet, some things never will.

-------------

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how,
or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride;
So I love you
because I know no other way

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

~Pablo Neruda~
Sonnet XVII, 1960

Vanilla Bean Macarons!

I did it! I made macarons! No, better yet, I successfully made macarons!! That dainty, elusive, skirted delight. That flighty madame of pastries, fickle validation a pâtissier's skill.....

Today, I is Queen of the World.





Unfortunately, the pics of the sandwiched ones didn't come out too nice. Still! I did it!

Note to self: Must get a better camera...

Sometimes

Sometimes, you need to fall really hard to realize that you used to have it good.

Sometimes, you need to go through a lot of shit experiences to know what it was you really took for granted.

And some day, you might just realize what a huge mistake you made.

Or maybe you never will.

Either ways, good luck.

Glycerine

by Bush

It must be your skin I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind, it's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why

Every thing's gone white and every thing's gray
Now you're here, now you're away
I don't want this, remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine

I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
But when we rise, it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad, you bruise my face
Couldn't love you more, you got a beautiful taste
Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you

I couldn't change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend 'Fear' and you and me
Glycerine, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine
Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine
Glycerine, Glycerine

Bad mood, white again
Bad mood, white again
As she falls around me

I needed you more when we wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be clear, simple and plain
Well, that's just fine, that's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you, you, you
Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine

http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/4015/
http://www.lyricinterpretations.com/lookat.php/bands/bush/fe3ccd8a6976876

Moving On

Hi Xxx,

I woke up this morning missing him very much. In a lot of ways I want things to go back to the way it was but I know that will never happen because it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I thought that we could pick up immediately where we left off being friends... it will be good to enjoy his companionship and have someone to joke with who completely understands my sense of humour... but waking up this morning and feeling what I did.. I realized that it will be a while before that happens. In a way, we both need to break the habit of being with each other so much and depending on each other so much before we can be friends again.

It hasn't been easy. I think he put it best when he said in his email to me that "We were very very close, and now I find that much in my life is a void that I am struggling to fill with anything meaningful."

I feel very much the same way.

So. I recognize now that while he was the centre of my life, I need to take this time to rediscover myself. I was a person with my own interests before he came along and it is time to rediscover that.

Not to say that I need to find that person I used to be before our relationship - I have been through too much to ever be that person I was then... but I think I do need to get in touch with my self again.

Also, I realize that throughout this relationship, even though I was ultimately selfish in my emotions I did always put him, his interests, spending my money on him without giving it a second thought and being concerned for his well-being, before my own needs. I took care of him so much that I didn't really take care of me. I really did love taking care of him and nurturing him but I realize now that I wasn't being fair to myself. In the next relationship, while of course I will be loving and generous, I need to remember not to be too generous and I need to remember to take care of myself too.

So. I will rediscover my interests. I think I will take up violin lessons again. That was the one thing I had to give up for the relationship because I just didn't have time for it anymore.. but I think that I would really like to take it up again. And maybe drums too. And gym.

I would like to take up tennis, which I have been meaning to for a while now but could never convince him to do with me. I will concentrate on my job and work towards doing an MBA in 2 years, which I planned to do regardless of whether or not he and I had continued. I was looking at schools nearby but I think that given this opportunity of not being tied down, I shall seriously consider Insead and attending their campus in France. I always wanted to see what it was like living in a foreign country, something which I never got to do, and this is the best opportunity for it. Perhaps I may even look to London. I know accommodations will not be a problem for me as I have relatives and many friends there who I am sure will be willing to put me up for a year.

I think I will pick up a new language; again, something I have wanted to do for a looooong time now but couldn't convince him to do with me and I just didn't have the time, money or energy to do it on my own. Maybe French. I always wanted to learn French.

And I really would like to start dating again. Just going out and having fun with no strings attached. One of the things that I did sort of miss whilst being with him was getting to know new people in that context. I guess I am a natural flirt.. and of course, I don't blame the relationship for making me give that up at all! lol... but it was something I did miss doing while I was in the relationship and I would like to start doing that again. A lot of flirting and exciting possibilities but of course, I will not be out looking for a replacement just yet. I just want to feel the excitement and lightheartedness of it again.

Haha.. I was just remembering that when I first started dating him that I was dating four other people simultaneously as well. Lol. Fun days... :O)

And while I don't think we can ever completely forget each other and everything we meant to each other or not feel a little bit of sadness about losing each other this way, once that we both are able to do things, see things, go to places, hear songs and think about things that remind us of each other without feeling pain, we can go back to being good friends again.

xoxoxo
Jas

Early Endings

Who would've thought the beginning of the year would bring an ending for me?

I am sad. So sad. I need to talk about it to someone or I will explode.

Unfortunately, the only person I want to talk to, the only person who has always been there is exactly the one person I can no longer call. Not anymore, not for the far forseeable future.

I haven't felt this lonely in years.

How do you wish for something to be returned when you know that it was probably never meant to be?

Sometimes love just ain't enough, and it sucks beyond words.

Bwaaaaaaaa!!!

I've never in my career ever had this much work to do!

.. yet, strangely, I've never been this non-stressed about it either.

So something must be going right. :O)

Jauh dan Dekat

I've started a new life, almost a country away.

New apartment, new town, new job, new industry.

It's amazing how the further you go from what is familiar, the more familiar you become about you.

Being alone does have its advantages.. or maybe I'm just turning into a hermit-crone.

Lol!

2009

A lot has happened, I don't know when it did.

Friends with new babies, friends with more than one baby (!), friends getting married and friends moving away. Friends loved, and friends lost.

Since I last wrote, I've quit my job, started a new one, quit that one and finally settled in at yet another one. This one looks good, and hopefully it'll last a few years.

I'm starting afresh: a new layout for the old blog, new job, new perspectives. New beginnings to greet the end of another decade of life.

So come on, 2009, give me the best you've got!

Time for Change

I suppose with the New Year and all, a change is most apt.

*Watch this space!*

Shamus, my Shamus!

I have a new cat. Its name is Shamus.

I love my new cat very much.