Moving On

Hi Xxx,

I woke up this morning missing him very much. In a lot of ways I want things to go back to the way it was but I know that will never happen because it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I thought that we could pick up immediately where we left off being friends... it will be good to enjoy his companionship and have someone to joke with who completely understands my sense of humour... but waking up this morning and feeling what I did.. I realized that it will be a while before that happens. In a way, we both need to break the habit of being with each other so much and depending on each other so much before we can be friends again.

It hasn't been easy. I think he put it best when he said in his email to me that "We were very very close, and now I find that much in my life is a void that I am struggling to fill with anything meaningful."

I feel very much the same way.

So. I recognize now that while he was the centre of my life, I need to take this time to rediscover myself. I was a person with my own interests before he came along and it is time to rediscover that.

Not to say that I need to find that person I used to be before our relationship - I have been through too much to ever be that person I was then... but I think I do need to get in touch with my self again.

Also, I realize that throughout this relationship, even though I was ultimately selfish in my emotions I did always put him, his interests, spending my money on him without giving it a second thought and being concerned for his well-being, before my own needs. I took care of him so much that I didn't really take care of me. I really did love taking care of him and nurturing him but I realize now that I wasn't being fair to myself. In the next relationship, while of course I will be loving and generous, I need to remember not to be too generous and I need to remember to take care of myself too.

So. I will rediscover my interests. I think I will take up violin lessons again. That was the one thing I had to give up for the relationship because I just didn't have time for it anymore.. but I think that I would really like to take it up again. And maybe drums too. And gym.

I would like to take up tennis, which I have been meaning to for a while now but could never convince him to do with me. I will concentrate on my job and work towards doing an MBA in 2 years, which I planned to do regardless of whether or not he and I had continued. I was looking at schools nearby but I think that given this opportunity of not being tied down, I shall seriously consider Insead and attending their campus in France. I always wanted to see what it was like living in a foreign country, something which I never got to do, and this is the best opportunity for it. Perhaps I may even look to London. I know accommodations will not be a problem for me as I have relatives and many friends there who I am sure will be willing to put me up for a year.

I think I will pick up a new language; again, something I have wanted to do for a looooong time now but couldn't convince him to do with me and I just didn't have the time, money or energy to do it on my own. Maybe French. I always wanted to learn French.

And I really would like to start dating again. Just going out and having fun with no strings attached. One of the things that I did sort of miss whilst being with him was getting to know new people in that context. I guess I am a natural flirt.. and of course, I don't blame the relationship for making me give that up at all! lol... but it was something I did miss doing while I was in the relationship and I would like to start doing that again. A lot of flirting and exciting possibilities but of course, I will not be out looking for a replacement just yet. I just want to feel the excitement and lightheartedness of it again.

Haha.. I was just remembering that when I first started dating him that I was dating four other people simultaneously as well. Lol. Fun days... :O)

And while I don't think we can ever completely forget each other and everything we meant to each other or not feel a little bit of sadness about losing each other this way, once that we both are able to do things, see things, go to places, hear songs and think about things that remind us of each other without feeling pain, we can go back to being good friends again.

xoxoxo
Jas