Bila Larut Malam

Of late, I've been having difficulty writing. Everytime I draft a post, it always seems shite - all the eloquence of a stumbling elk trying to piss and fart while outrunning a predator. Really. And it bugs the hell out of me.

But there's something about late nights that loosens my tongue, figuratively speaking. Thoughts take shape seemingly of their own accord, and the words flow effortlessly. Perhaps the tiredness, the weariness results in unguardedness, the necessary state for unbridled thought; no inhibitions.

Unfortunately, though, since I started this current job, I find myself dropping off to sleep out of sheer exhaustion before 11pm, most nights. You go to sleep as soon as you can because you know that if you don't, you'll be fucked tomorrow. There isn't time to relax, to wind down, to sit and think .. and to write.

I miss writing like this, I miss having the time to write like this. I miss it so much.

Also, now, I have to be careful of what I write about. It used to be just me. I used to write about how I felt, what I did, what I thought of things, just me me me me me, with no significant impact on anyone else. These days though, it isn't just about me anymore. Even if what I write about now is only just about what happened to me, it no longer affects only me.

That recent post of mine, my God, the amount of trouble it caused.

I must admit, I find myself needing to consciously make that adjustment; being aware that the things I say now affects someone else very personally too. It isn't easy. I've become so accustomed to being self-reliant and independent, and having my actions affect primarily only me, affecting others only on a small-scale, at most, that I find this adjustment to be somewhat difficult.

By difficult, I don't mean that I am unwilling to make the change, but that I am sometimes unaware of the effects my actions would cause on the other end. And how strange it is to be so strongly affected by something someone else does, how so very strange. How personally we take the other person's comments, because innocent as it may have been meant, you feel it reflects on you personally, intimately. I am only just discovering and learning that now.

It's a funny thing, this whole 'relationship' business.

:o)

Moving on. Neil Gaiman will be in Singapore! Book signings and interviews and talks! Aaaaargh! I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!!!!!!!!!!!! But because it is on the 4th - 6th July (ie. Monday - Wednesday), I kenot go!

Aaaaargh! I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Feeling:

Yo-gagony & Pi-aching-lates

My aching body! Oh my poor poor pooooor aching body! It never gets better. Never! Every week I go, I keep thinking that this week, sap sap sui! (piece of cake) But nooooooo ... They'll introduce yet another new move which will leave my muscles juddering and sweating buckets. I tell you, I sweat more lying on that yoga mat than I do half an hour of proper workout on the treadmill! How is that possible?

I'm hoping, of course, that there will be some outcome to all this! Preferably noticable. ;op And tiring as it is, though, and ache as I might for the whole following week, I love it. *G*

I know that Pilates and Yoga are meant to complement each other, but I don't know, I prefer yoga to pilates. Got more seni la. It's more .. genteel, more fluid, concentrating not only the 'physical' part of it, ie. stretching, etc., but also the grace of the movements, the art in the exercise. Pilates, however, is more straighforward, concentrating on making the most out of the workout. I think it's very abrupt. An hour of yoga seems to fly by whereas an hour of pilates feels .. well, like an hour of pilates. :o) I always, always walk out of yoga sessions floating. The aching only starts tomorrow.

Exercise!! I wouldn't call myself a health-freak, faaaaar from it! I love my Burger King deep-fried Go Mozzerella! cheese fingers too much. OMG, few things are more delicious and comforting than that! Breadcrumbs-coated, deep fried mozzerella cheese sticks! How much more artery clogging can things get! Lolz .. but I do try to be somewhat sensible about it, I've limited myself to having it only once a month - at most. I don't think it is an unreasonable compromise. *G*

Hmm .. where was I? Oh yes. Exercise! I never thought I'd ever see the day I'd willingly exercise, even look forward to it, but I suppose I really do enjoy it! *cough*

Frankly speaking, I find the cardio work to be a bit of a chore, but I've found that you really do feel better after exercise. Tired, sweaty and somewhat out of breath, but really energized as well. A sort of buzz. I don't know. It could, of course, just be the shortage of oxygen to the brain that makes me delusional, but hey! You can't beat that kind of feel-good high! :o)

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Feeling:

A Woman's Worth

Okay, I'm cheating, but I thought this was .. well, more than worth repeating. Thanks to MzMin.

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Feeling:

Forever - Ben Harper

Not talkin’ ’bout a year
No not three or four
I don’t want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
To be wrong when it begins
But forever never seems
To be wrong when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin’ ’round all over town
Givin’ their forever away
But no not me
I won’t let my forever roam
And now I hope I can find
My forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
To be wrong when things begin
But forever never seems
To be wrong when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

~Forever~Ben Harper~

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Feeling:

Bertolak-Ansur

Sometimes I feel so .. inept .. at this whole relationship business. Sometimes it's so frustrating it makes me want to tear his hair (ahem) out by the roots.. and his hair is not the only thing of his you want to tear out by the roots...

Things were a whole lot more uncomplicated when you haven't got someone else to consider. You could do whatever it is you like without worrying the other person might not like it. It's like that when you're in a relationship, isn't it? You like something so much that you want the other person to like it just as much, then get sorely disappointed when they don't. And you think that maybe because of that, they now love you a little less. Ridiculous. True, nonetheless.

Compromise. Now there is a word that didn't happen too often when I was single. Oh, sure, I've compromised before, but I've realised that I hadn't even begun to comprehend what that word meant then. *rolleyes*

I'll admit, I'm spoiled. I'm used to having things my way, and I'm very good at getting things my way. I'm spoiled rotten. And it was easy to say, "My Way or the Highway" back then. My problem now is that I still want things My Way .. but I don't want the Highway.

Why is it that you feel you now have so much to lose? What makes this one person worth so much? I don't know. I've often wondered, but I don't know. All I know is that he's worth the weight of the world in gold.

Sigh. Doesn't make the compromising any easier tho. ;oP

Sometimes, I don't know. I really, really don't know. How do people do it? How do people stay together years and years? 50 years?!?!!! O_o

Sometimes I feel so tired. I'll be honest and admit that sometimes I wonder why I do it. Sometimes I wonder, what's the point? Well, not him specifically, but what's the point of all this? of any of this??

But I've always believed that if you can itemise the things you love about a person, you can just as easily check them off.

Oh, he was so romantic! Not anymore! *skriiiitch*
Oh, he used to pick me up from work everyday. Not anymore! *skriiiiitch*
Oh, we used to have the exact same taste in music/books/art/food/sports. Not anymore! *skkkkkkritch*
Oh, we used to finish each other's sentences! Ermm .. nope! *skkkkkrrriiiiaaatch!*

What happens when he stops doing all the things you loved about him in the first place. Of course, the argument could be that if you don't know the reasons for it to begin with, then you wouldn't really know if it was real to begin with, n'cest pas?

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it is to trust my instinct. I know it sounds, ummm, unreliable, but over the years, especially in the last few, I've come to realise that sometimes instinct recognizes at the outset things that your head refuses to acknowledge, sometimes out of sheer stubbornness. Sometimes you want something so badly that the head ignores everything else. And I've realised that instinct cannot be fooled, the head only realises this much later.

I'm rambling. Relationships are much harder than I thought it would be. Also, ironically, it's much harder now than it was in the beginning. I have so much more to lose now. Is this natural of relationships? I don't know. But at the same time, some things become more natural. Some things become more effortless, and you don't take them for granted. Eeeeesh .. but it still *nnnyyyyyyeh*s me to compromise. >oP

As much as relationships take out of you, I've noticed it gives back so much more. That every inch you give seems to give you a mile back. Sometimes it doesn't seem it at the moment of giving - sometimes that pisses the hell right out of you - but later always seems more .. peaceful.

Once you've cleaned the shit off the fan, of course.

;o)

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Feeling:

Raaaaaaaaaaaant!!!!!

Eeeeee!!!! I am so fed up with my Internet connection!!!

I had typed in this looooong entry, and the fecking thing disconnected without my realising it .. and when I clicked on the 'POST' button, the page changed and *blip!!* my post was gone.

Feck feck feck feck feck.

Damn you tmnet!! Daaaaaamn you streamyx for not working and making me resort to tmnet!! Daaaaaaaaamn yoooooooooooouuuuu!!!

A proper post is just going to have to wait til I get over being pissed off with yukky Malaysian internet service providers....

*grumbles*

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Feeling: