Bila Larut Malam

Of late, I've been having difficulty writing. Everytime I draft a post, it always seems shite - all the eloquence of a stumbling elk trying to piss and fart while outrunning a predator. Really. And it bugs the hell out of me.

But there's something about late nights that loosens my tongue, figuratively speaking. Thoughts take shape seemingly of their own accord, and the words flow effortlessly. Perhaps the tiredness, the weariness results in unguardedness, the necessary state for unbridled thought; no inhibitions.

Unfortunately, though, since I started this current job, I find myself dropping off to sleep out of sheer exhaustion before 11pm, most nights. You go to sleep as soon as you can because you know that if you don't, you'll be fucked tomorrow. There isn't time to relax, to wind down, to sit and think .. and to write.

I miss writing like this, I miss having the time to write like this. I miss it so much.

Also, now, I have to be careful of what I write about. It used to be just me. I used to write about how I felt, what I did, what I thought of things, just me me me me me, with no significant impact on anyone else. These days though, it isn't just about me anymore. Even if what I write about now is only just about what happened to me, it no longer affects only me.

That recent post of mine, my God, the amount of trouble it caused.

I must admit, I find myself needing to consciously make that adjustment; being aware that the things I say now affects someone else very personally too. It isn't easy. I've become so accustomed to being self-reliant and independent, and having my actions affect primarily only me, affecting others only on a small-scale, at most, that I find this adjustment to be somewhat difficult.

By difficult, I don't mean that I am unwilling to make the change, but that I am sometimes unaware of the effects my actions would cause on the other end. And how strange it is to be so strongly affected by something someone else does, how so very strange. How personally we take the other person's comments, because innocent as it may have been meant, you feel it reflects on you personally, intimately. I am only just discovering and learning that now.

It's a funny thing, this whole 'relationship' business.

:o)

Moving on. Neil Gaiman will be in Singapore! Book signings and interviews and talks! Aaaaargh! I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!!!!!!!!!!!! But because it is on the 4th - 6th July (ie. Monday - Wednesday), I kenot go!

Aaaaargh! I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!!!!!!!!!!!!


~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Feeling: