Bertolak-Ansur

Sometimes I feel so .. inept .. at this whole relationship business. Sometimes it's so frustrating it makes me want to tear his hair (ahem) out by the roots.. and his hair is not the only thing of his you want to tear out by the roots...

Things were a whole lot more uncomplicated when you haven't got someone else to consider. You could do whatever it is you like without worrying the other person might not like it. It's like that when you're in a relationship, isn't it? You like something so much that you want the other person to like it just as much, then get sorely disappointed when they don't. And you think that maybe because of that, they now love you a little less. Ridiculous. True, nonetheless.

Compromise. Now there is a word that didn't happen too often when I was single. Oh, sure, I've compromised before, but I've realised that I hadn't even begun to comprehend what that word meant then. *rolleyes*

I'll admit, I'm spoiled. I'm used to having things my way, and I'm very good at getting things my way. I'm spoiled rotten. And it was easy to say, "My Way or the Highway" back then. My problem now is that I still want things My Way .. but I don't want the Highway.

Why is it that you feel you now have so much to lose? What makes this one person worth so much? I don't know. I've often wondered, but I don't know. All I know is that he's worth the weight of the world in gold.

Sigh. Doesn't make the compromising any easier tho. ;oP

Sometimes, I don't know. I really, really don't know. How do people do it? How do people stay together years and years? 50 years?!?!!! O_o

Sometimes I feel so tired. I'll be honest and admit that sometimes I wonder why I do it. Sometimes I wonder, what's the point? Well, not him specifically, but what's the point of all this? of any of this??

But I've always believed that if you can itemise the things you love about a person, you can just as easily check them off.

Oh, he was so romantic! Not anymore! *skriiiitch*
Oh, he used to pick me up from work everyday. Not anymore! *skriiiiitch*
Oh, we used to have the exact same taste in music/books/art/food/sports. Not anymore! *skkkkkkritch*
Oh, we used to finish each other's sentences! Ermm .. nope! *skkkkkrrriiiiaaatch!*

What happens when he stops doing all the things you loved about him in the first place. Of course, the argument could be that if you don't know the reasons for it to begin with, then you wouldn't really know if it was real to begin with, n'cest pas?

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it is to trust my instinct. I know it sounds, ummm, unreliable, but over the years, especially in the last few, I've come to realise that sometimes instinct recognizes at the outset things that your head refuses to acknowledge, sometimes out of sheer stubbornness. Sometimes you want something so badly that the head ignores everything else. And I've realised that instinct cannot be fooled, the head only realises this much later.

I'm rambling. Relationships are much harder than I thought it would be. Also, ironically, it's much harder now than it was in the beginning. I have so much more to lose now. Is this natural of relationships? I don't know. But at the same time, some things become more natural. Some things become more effortless, and you don't take them for granted. Eeeeesh .. but it still *nnnyyyyyyeh*s me to compromise. >oP

As much as relationships take out of you, I've noticed it gives back so much more. That every inch you give seems to give you a mile back. Sometimes it doesn't seem it at the moment of giving - sometimes that pisses the hell right out of you - but later always seems more .. peaceful.

Once you've cleaned the shit off the fan, of course.

;o)

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