Wise Words (Of Warning?) From My Mother

My mother and I talked a few days ago. Not so much heart-to-heart as woman-to-woman, wiser (albeit a bit warped) mother to as-yet-still-tender daughter.

It all started with my mother talking about my sister’s somewhat-former-boyfriend, of whom she disapproves. She doesn’t think that their relationship is a healthy one, and I for one agree with her, but I think my sister needs to learn some things on her own. Truthfully, I like the guy, but that doesn’t mean theirs is a healthy relationship.

Anyway, Mum’s comment got me thinking about another conversation I had, this time with above-mentioned sister. She knows Mum doesn’t approve of her beau, and this once when I was in a nak-taknak relationship and I tried to introduce my guy to her, Mum showed signs of disapproval too, although she never said anything to me directly. I found out later that she believed the guy was after our money. What money? Haha. Thinking about it now, though, I'm certain he sure as hell wasn't in it for my irresistable charms and stunning looks, because those are non-exsistent. Goes to show you really should listen to your mother. What did I see in the guy anyway?

Well, moving on. So the million-dollar question was: What exactly is the procedure for introducing our (prospective) partners to her?

Yes, there most certainly is an undeclared procedure. We are dealing with the woman who insists that none of her (future) menantus call her “Mother” or “Mak”, but “Ma’am”. The woman who says that when she stands, then none of her menantus (or 'meng-hantu's, as she plans to call them) can sit, and that if she sits, none of their heads should be higher than hers. No, that applies at all times, not only when she's sitting. Just be grateful that she is 5”4’ and not 4”10’ like her mother is. You also had to be there to believe me when I say that eventhough she was sort of ha-ha joking, she was actually quite serious about it.

To answer the soalan cepu emas, however:

RULE #1 Do not shock/stun/surprise her. Sister's beau is 6'3" and Her Most Exalted Highness happened to be sitting when he was first introduced to her. Not a good start. He already broke this rule, not to mention ALL the provos mentioned above. On top of all that, he called her “Auntie” *gasp!!!*

RULE #2 He must have impeccable manners.

RULE #3 He must be well-dressed.

RULE #4 He must offer her tea, on his knees, kowtow three times and beg her permission to court her daughter. Actually, I was the one who had to sarcastically add this, and she liked the idea so much that she decided to add it to the other three rules. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.

The list goes on, but the gist of it is that the first impression matters. A LOT. And what matters almost more is the pre-first impression, that is the impression she gets of him from us.

(More Rules:)

RULE #5 Never lie to her. Also means don’t date him secretly and introduce him only after she suspects you already have a boyfriend. Also means don’t make up unlikely stories just so you can sneak out/steal time to meet him. That’s asking for the death sentence for him with her.

RULE #6 Never make her children cry. No man is worth even the tiniest drop of tears from her children. So if you have to cry, do it very, very quietly so she can’t hear you, and if she does hear you anyway, pretend it’s your allergies acting up. I swear, that woman has the ears of a bat!

RULE #7 He must offer her tea, on his knees, kowtow three times and beg her permission to court her daughter. *G*

Yes, she has a lot of Rules for whole sets of what she deems proper comportment, but it essentially boiled down to this:

1. that he be a good man, with good values, good intentions and a good heart,

2. that he respects you as an individual, and most importantly, as an equal human being,

3. that he never abuses you; physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise,

4. that he is not some insane psycho whose idea of a marriage proposal is threatening to burn down your father’s house if you refuse. Yes, it’s true, I am not kidding.


My mother is also not only unconcerned that at my (what some would consider) advanced age I am still single with no boyfriend, nevermind marriage, in sight, but she actually seems .. relieved. In fact, she all but forbids me to even think about marriage.

Last week, we were at the jewellers, toying with the idea of buying this sumptuous diamond necklace. It was absolutely stunning, with a wreath of flowers and leaves intertwined in a somewhat abstract motif, intimately circling the neck, coming to a beautifully spread rest at the base of the throat. Absolutely exquisite.

Unfortunately, a piece like that needs an Event to do it justice, and we aren’t exactly what you would call socialites. Mum jokingly said that well, just to wear that necklace, we would have to have a wedding! I jokingly replied that well, sigh, I guess I’ll just have to get married now, won’t I? To which she replied, "Kahwin?!! *shudder* Oh no no no no.. Not yet!" And she was dead serious.

It was during this last conversation I had with her that I found out the reason why.

She wants us to meet more people, date different types of men, as many as we can, before we finally decide how we want to settle down, and with whom. She wants us to know all the different types of people, their different personalities, to know what people are truly like before we make that major decision. She wants it so that when we finally make that decision, it will be an informed one. She wants it so that we’ll never regret the decision we made, and even if we do regret it, that we don’t regret it too much. She doesn’t want us to make the same mistakes she did.

There’s a saying that goes, "You learn from the mistake of others, because you won’t live long enough to make them all yourself." I don’t know who said that. I got it from a Domino’s fridge magnet, but as dubious as the source may be, it doesn’t make it any less profound or true.

All my mother was trying to tell me is that she wants to do everything in her power to prevent us from having the same regrets she had.

We’ve always been a close-knit family. We’re very affectionate with each other, and we tell each other ‘I love you’ a lot. For so many years now, we kids have been taught to be adults, to be responsible, to be grown up. Sometimes, when we’re exercising our rights as adults, Mum nags and nags relentlessly, about how we don’t dress well enough, about our staying out late, about talking on the phone so much, and we think, "God, give us a break, Mum! We’re not kids anymore!"

But when she told me how she would protect all her children from unnecessary pain, unnecessary regrets, regardless of whether it’s her daughter or son, I felt something I hadn’t felt in so many years. I felt like her child again. And I realised that despite all the nagging, she really meant every word of it, that she would protect us with her life. I’ve heard it all before, she’s said it so many times, but only then I realised the full meaning of what she was saying. She would give her everything for any one of us, she would give her life for all of us, the way she would for nobody else in the world.

This is what unconditional love is. This is what it truly is.

...

She also told me that even when you’ve made the best decision you can make, it can still turn out to be the wrong one.

And when (if) that happens, you’ll have to either bite the bullet, or you admit your error and try to rectify your mistakes. Either way, you’ll ultimately only have yourself to depend on.

She also passed on to me words of wisdom she learned from her mother:

1. Never depend on a man, no matter how good he is. Learn to be self-reliant.

2. Even if you are married and he makes a million bucks a week, have your own source of income, or be able to because there is no telling when you might need to fall back on it.

3. Always wash your hands before you cook, and make sure the food is always thoroughly cleaned, even if it is not totally fresh. Your food will last for days.

Actually, my grandma taught me the last one. Hey, it's very important, ok? Not everything important is related to relationships! ;o)

You learn something new everyday. The difference lies only in whether you choose to heed it or not.