Leaving The Past Where It Belongs

So, here we are again. It's been a long time since the last post, huh? Two main reasons: no inspiration, but most pertinently, no Internet connection at home! *Sob!* The house is getting a major face-lift, and I think a workman tripped over the phone cable (which runs over the roof) to my streamyx. Then the other line got its service temporarily disconnected because the bill wasn't paid. No Internet! Really can sei lor... Fortunately, we went to pay the bill today. Hooray! Streamyx still down, tho. Boo!

Oh, before I forget, a belated Happy Birthday, Ben, my love! I didn't forget, sweetheart! May you be Blessed with the best life has to offer, dearest, and find much joy within. I love ya, Bennie! *G*

And speaking of Bern, I was watching this mini-series on HBO earlier: Carnivale. It was on at about 10:30pm, and I think it was the fifth episode. Must look for the others. It's dark, reaaaaaally dark, but sooo good! *shivers* I watched the first half of it in utter confusion, and the ending totally stunned the hell out of me. My God, was it dark! And that, of course, brought comparisons to Poe, which, natually, led to our MzFernz. Gosh, how I miss you, Ben!

~@~@~@~@~@~

I had a Conversation today. Yes, a Conversation. No, a Conversation. Nods head, for emphasis.

Anyway, it made me realise a few things, and it brought a measure of closure to an issue that has haunted me persistently throughout the last two years, or so. And it was .. liberating. It hurt like hell, it did, but this time, it was a good kind of hurt; one that you know will only accelerate the healing.

Sometimes you cling onto things because .. hell, I don't really know why. I suppose you're afraid of losing it, because you're afraid you'll never again find something quite like it, ever. Even if it's bad, you cling to it because even if it's bad, at least you still have it. Despite all indications, all logical and rational thought, all portents and signs otherwise, and against all well-meaning advice, you're afraid to go without it again, not when it's something you've always wanted, asked for, prayed for. Something you've always dreamed about, something you never thought could possibly exist. It's hard to give up a fantasy come real.

Then, one fine day, you realise just how stupid you've been, chasing after something that really isn't yours to hang on to. And you realise just how ridiculous the whole situation has been, how futile your persistence was as you realise that this was simply something Destiny hadn't cast as your lot. And when you're able to wake up one day, and laugh at your own stupidity, then can the healing begin.

It still hurts to let go, it truly does; partly because you're still so afraid, and partly because you've been at it for so long, and everyone knows how hard it is to break a habit. But hard as it might be, painful as it might initially be, you no longer think it'll kill you. And the fear is still there, only it's no longer all-consuming, tying you down.

This might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it is to me. I feel .. liberated, and it feels wonderful.

This is a time of great introspection for me. Therefore, as usual, my phone will be switched off, indefinitely. To You, I'm so sorry, I really am, but this is something I need to do, for a while. You know who you are, dear. I really am sorry, I'll make it up to you somehow. I just need this time alone for me. Don't be too upset with me.

The world looks beautiful right now, and I feel wonderful.

p.s. MrBurns, yup, my email account has deleted the posts you sent. I really would love to read them, and I would appreciate it greatly if you would resend 'em, please? Thanks a gajillion, pip. :o)