Mayday! Mayday! Crashing .. and Burning.

My head is close to bursting with this fever. My eyes feel as though they're going to pop, and my nose is stuffed so high it's probably the reason my eyes feel like their about to pop out.

*urgh*

To make things worse, I can't sleep, I have a craving for a Pizza Wrapz, sweet sweet soursop, a California Roll, a paper thosai, and it's 1am. Weird combo, I know. God, what would I be like if I were pregnant??? *shivers* It doesn't bear thinking.

And as if that isn't bad enough, I have the dreaded Mechanical Vibrations paper to sit for in 14 hours .. and I can't sleep!

It's anxiety, I tell you. The presentation for my final year project is next Monday. *sigh*

I've just learned something about myself: I don't handle stress well. I can handle it, certainly, but I just don't handle it well.

It's not so good, right now. I feel like I'm juggling more than I can handle. I can't wait for the next two months to go by. Results should be out by then. I don't know what I'll do if I don't pass! Maybe I'll go into a 2-month hibernation. That should make the agony of waiting more bearable.

*sigh* Yup, things are pretty sucky right now. I'm going to raid the fridge ....

Only One Paper To Go!

Meep! Today's Fluid Power paper was ridiculously simple. On one hand, I'm tempted to think "Be thankful for small favours" .. but there's a part of me that's totally freaking. I mean, was it supposed to be that easy?!?!

No, I am no genius, although I did study hard for it. I'm not bragging about my wonderous brain, because it really isn't that wonderous at all. My coursemate finished the paper in half an hour, for crying out loud! Ok, so he is the smartest one in our class, but it's still ridiculous!

So the paranoid part of me is freaking, wondering if there were any tricks in the questions I completely missed, therefore I'm going to flunk the paper royally! Then comes the other part of me telling me to chill, coz I did, after all, spend 20 minutes checking and rechecking, making sure they were no tricks, so I'm totally gonna ace the paper. Then Paranoid-Me starts hyperventilating again .. *sigh*

Somebody come and take these crazy people out of my head! They just won't shut up!

*Urgh* Although I must say that I do like this subject. May consider furthering in it later. Hydraulics ... Aaaah ... *G*

Fail or ace, it's over, so no use crying over spilt milk. I suppose the crying could be done over the failed grade later. Only *IF* it happens. Heh. *Crosses fingers*

This also means that I've got only ONE paper left!! Wahoo! Unfortunately, it's the Mechanical Vibrations paper, which I am somewhat sucky at .. so .. *takes a deep breath* Ah well, I guess I can only do my best. Hopefully my best is sufficient for a PASS, at least .. that's *all* I'm hoping for! I just want to get this studying business over with!!

Growing Older .. And All The Things That Entail.

I just performed with my Rhythmic Ensemble group today. (Ensemble group - is that redundant?) It wasn't a major performance of any sort, just a little demo-ish kind of performance. Yeah, I did it *despite* it being the middle of Finals, but I just couldn't resist Jin's puppy-dog eyes and his plainitive pleas. I'm so soft-hearted sometimes, I make myself sick. :o) lolz .. but I also missed two rehearsals, resulting in my faking half the repertoir. Hee hee. IT'S CALLED IMPROVISATION, BABEY! *G* I had fun, nonetheless, and so did everybody else.

There was this kid, who was 'guesting' with us. He played the bass guitar and his drumming technique just blew me away. Seriously. The first time I heard his solo, I just gaped and gaped and completely missed my cue.. as did everybody else, so I was forgiven. :o) But the thing about this kid that struck me the most, completely aside from his technique, was his self-confidence. I'm 23 and I don't think I'm half as self-assured as this kid who's .. what? Nine years my junior?

I guess it was confidence in the things he has accomplished, his being aware of his potential, and knowing his limits. (He is quite the accomplished musician. He (or so he claims) taught himself the electric bass, electric guitar, drums, and classical guitar, although I have my suspicions about the classical guitar. His technique is really rather refined, NOT something you could pick up "just like that".)

Or perhaps it's that he doesn't think he HAS limits, hence the cocksure attitude. Were we all like that when we were 14? I certainly remember being something like that when I was that age .. that feeling of being able to take on anything life could throw at me .. and always emerging the glrious victor. Aaah .. youth. *G*

So, does living makes you uncertain of yourself? *ponders*

I don't know about others, but when I think of old people, I find them to be .. almost overly-cautious. Old people don't seem to be willing to take so many risks as someone younger would .. which brings me back to the question: Does Living make you Uncertain?

All I know, from personal experience, is that when I've failed at something, it makes me less sure. Sure I learn from my mistakes, and grow the wiser for it, but it makes me less sure all the same. What began as an almost non-existent smidgen of self-doubt grows bigger and bigger with every mistake made, and criticism received.

Oh, I don't let this get in the way of me being me. Am I being paradoxical? lol .. What I mean is, that although this self-doubt exists, it exists in this private, most personal part of my Self. I actually do make it a concious effort to not let it affect how I ultimately act, and how I ultimately regard myself.

I guess I am not too upset I possess this Self-Doubt. It acts as a reminder that I am not infallible, that I am not invincible ... but that's okay. It reminds me that I am only human .. prone to human mistakes, and prone to human failures .. and realising this also assures me that for every time I may fall down, I will always be able to pick myself right back up again. Resilience is, after all, the human nature. How else could we have possibly survived all these millenia! lolz ..

I wonder if the kid thinks about this .. and I wonder if I would feel the same about this when I'm 70. :oD

So, if the price of Wisdom is giving up the Cock-Sureness of Youth, then so be it. It won't be easy, but when you think about it, have we really got a choice?

Mad Ramblings of a Talkative Noldor

It's almost two in the a.m. ... *yawn* It's when it's late and I'm sleepy that it's most dangerous .. the weirdest things come to mind, unbidden, and tonight, it's death. Creepy .. *theme for the 'Twilight Zone'*

What is there beyond that great Black curtain? Concepts of Heaven and Eternal Hell .. they're beyond me. This suggests that there are clearly defined boundaries of good and evil, which I think is ridiculous as nothing, with the exception of nothing, is purely black nor white. Giving the simplest of examples, compare a man who steals to feed his hungry family because he has no other options, and a man who does nothing but gives praise to God all his life but neglects his family to do so. How do you begin to evaluate the good and the evil? Or is moderation next to Godliness?

What about Reincarnation, then? Condemned to forever repeat the life cycle until Nirvana is achieved? If that isn't a form of Hell, I don't know what is!

Or is it the Eternal Sleep, as the Ancient Egyptians believed? I must confess that I'm partial to the Ancient Sumerians' idea of The Great Void. Absolute nothingness. That's more or less what we experience when we sleep, anyways, apart from the dreams, which, by the way, I think is nothing more than our subconcious delusions. It never fails to amuse me how some people think dreams may be divine messages. Highly romantic, but hardly realistic. Yes, I'm a cynic-realist, in case you hadn't noticed by now.

*sigh* But it all boils down to this one question: What is the purpose of Life? If there was a purpose, it would make everything worthwhile.

We begin life by getting the best education we could possibly afford, and we go through life, never ceasing the learning process, gaining as much knowledge as we can .. but to what avail? To what purpose?

We slave through work all our adult lives, to make enough money so we may live comfortably while we're still alive.. but you definitely won't be able to take any of it with you into Death.

We do good on this Earth, giving aid to our fellow Man, giving praise to our Creator, with the promise of Eternal Reward at the end of our labours.. but what does anyone really know about the Hereafter? I believe there is a God, and on some days it is only my Faith that God exists that keeps me going .. but ultimately, we still don't know shit.

This saying just popped into my head: "We make plans, God laughs." Lol ... just a bit of dark humour.

My thoughts are morbid tonight. I suppose it's just a reflection of my current state of mind, tho. Sometimes I am just so sick of pretending to be happy and cheerful for the sake of others. Although I'm not the sort who gives two shits about other people's opinions, I also hate to be a burden. So when someone tells me to lighten up, be my old, cheerful self again (so full of life!), when all I really want to do is to tell them where to stick it, I put on my putridly sweet smile instead. So thank God for this space. It's refreshing to feel what I really feel once in a while.

Thesis Update: Almost done. Will be handed over this Friday.

Exms Update: Just sat for my Powder Metallurgy paper yesterday (Monday) afternoon (one down, three to go!!). It wasn't too difficult, and I'm pretty sure I aced the subject. The Thermal Power paper will be later this afternoon .. wish me luck!

The Best Guy In The World .. Is Not Mine! *sob*

Hmm .. for someone who's supposedly busy working on her thesis, I sure am spending a lot of time here... :oD

Today, someone did something for me that was really sweet, and though it was expected coz I specifically asked for the favour, he went five extra miles to get it to me on time, and perfectly done, right down to the most minute detail. Fact is that he was under no obligation to help me, in fact had every right to refuse coz he himself was already really busy with other responsibilities. I would have understood had he not been able to deliver, yet he did. And then some.

So I'm writing this to express how grateful I am for his help, how grateful I am for him. If I lived a million years, I could never begin to repay everything he's done for me, and I'll never be able to describe exactly what he means to me.

Baby, thanks for everything. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever understand .. even if you don't want to. I love you with all my being, and I don't care if you'd rather I don't ... coz I do! So there! lol.

It bites that I met you too late. I'll never forgive myself for that. But if not in this lifetime, then maybe the next. That doesn't make me feel any differently, though. You are my world, you always will be. Thank you for showing me how to love, and thank you for loving me.

Also, curse you, goddamit! I'll never get married now, coz the chances of my meeting another you is preeeeetty slim .. and after showing me my perfect guy exists, how can you expect me to settle for anything less???!?!! Damn you for setting an impossible standard for all future prospects to live up to!!

:o)

Baby, thanks. :o)

Okay .. enough with the mushiness! This is amusing. Check it out:

Does this color look Blue to You?!

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?

Still working on the thesis. Feeling extra worn-out. :o(

Why does loving someone make you feel the strangest things? Other people seem to feel .. *my vocabulary has gone to pot* .. I don't know. People usually describe it as uplifting, I suppose. I only feel lost. Maybe I was not born to handle love? Mee hee hee ...

I've got another quiz here. Eh heh .. it's so funny, but you've really got to have a sense of humour to appreciate it, I guess. Showed it to someone .. and she was mortally offended! *eh..*

Tramp Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Website Of The Day: StrongBad! Denny's Menu

Thesis Due on Friday!! *gulp*

Argh .. I was writing an entry, when the page got changed, and the entry disappeared. *yeesh* Nevermind, ample time for me to ramble later. :oD

My life is still on hold due to the thesis (which is due Friday), my final papers (week after next), and the oral examination for my thesis (5th April!). I am quaking in my bunny slippers....

But whilst I was taking a break, I did a quiz .. I love quizzes, I'm *almost* addicted to them! hehee .. So here's the result. Look at the preeeetty picture!

You are a PHOENIX in your soul and your wings make a statement. Huge and born of flame, they burn with light and power and rebirth. Ashes fall from your wingtips. You are an amazingly strong person. You survive, even flourish in adversity and hardship. A firm believer in the phrase, 'Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger,' you rarely fear failure. You know that any mistake you make will teach you more about yourself and allow you to 'rise from the ashes' as a still greater being. Because of this, you rarely make the same mistake twice, and are not among the most forgiving people. You're extremely powerful and wise, and are capable of fierce pride, passion, and anger. Perhaps you're this way because you were forced to survive a rough childhood. Or maybe you just have a strong grasp on reality and know that life is tough and the world is cruel, and it takes strength and independence to survive it. And independence is your strongest point - you may care for others, and even depend on them...but when it comes right down to it, the only one you need is yourself. Thus you trust your own intuition, and rely on a mind almost as brilliant as the fire of your wings to guide you.You are eternal and because you have a strong sense of who and what you are, no one can control your heart or mind, or even really influence your thinking. A symbol of rebirth and renewal, you tend to be a very spiritual person with a serious mind - never acting immature and harboring a superior disgust of those who do. Likewise, humanity's stupidity and tendency to want others to solve their problems for them frustrates you endlessly. Though you can be stubborn, outspoken, and haughty, I admire you greatly.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
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You are a forest shadow. Your essence is that of the tree or beast that casts you upon the earth. You feel a purpose to be in balance with the cycles of life and are wise and beautiful in your submission to the justice of Mother Nature. You are peaceful in nature and, though you feel small, your spirit is precious, strong, and mighty as the (green) forces with which it is affiliated.


What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

The First Entry!! .. err .. not as startling as it may sound ...

Whoop-dee-doo! A blog of my very own! I've always been meaning to get one, but procrastination once again got in the way of my achieving something. Yes, the professional procrastinator, that's me. That's not to say I don't achieve anything (due to this nasty habit, I've also become a pro at getting things done in a jiffy ;OP) but it always makes me wonder how much better I could have done something if only I had put more time into it. Not something to be proud of, fer sure, but there's something to admitting your weakness (or weaknesses) and dealing with it. Aiyaiyai! Must drop this habit. Maybe later ... *nye hee*

So, why do I want a blog? I suppose it could be that I can't keep anything about myself TO myself, but that has a slightly unsavoury ring to it, so I'll just say that it's bcoz I like sharing things with people. Hee hee.

But seriously, there's something undeniably therapeutic about writing out your thoughts where someone else can read them. It's like telling your problems to a stranger (poor stranger). Call it weird, but it's nonetheless unburdening to have someone else listen to you, regardless of whether or not people do read your blog.

Okey-dokey. (I really should stop using cute-sey phrases like this. It makes me uncool...) A little bit about me now.

I'm currently in my last MONTH of study (I study Mechanical Engineering) and what I really should be doing is working on my thesis, which, incidentally, is due next week. So what am I doing writing a blog entry???!!!??!! (deep breath) All together now:

PROCRASTINATING!!!!