Growing Older .. And All The Things That Entail.

I just performed with my Rhythmic Ensemble group today. (Ensemble group - is that redundant?) It wasn't a major performance of any sort, just a little demo-ish kind of performance. Yeah, I did it *despite* it being the middle of Finals, but I just couldn't resist Jin's puppy-dog eyes and his plainitive pleas. I'm so soft-hearted sometimes, I make myself sick. :o) lolz .. but I also missed two rehearsals, resulting in my faking half the repertoir. Hee hee. IT'S CALLED IMPROVISATION, BABEY! *G* I had fun, nonetheless, and so did everybody else.

There was this kid, who was 'guesting' with us. He played the bass guitar and his drumming technique just blew me away. Seriously. The first time I heard his solo, I just gaped and gaped and completely missed my cue.. as did everybody else, so I was forgiven. :o) But the thing about this kid that struck me the most, completely aside from his technique, was his self-confidence. I'm 23 and I don't think I'm half as self-assured as this kid who's .. what? Nine years my junior?

I guess it was confidence in the things he has accomplished, his being aware of his potential, and knowing his limits. (He is quite the accomplished musician. He (or so he claims) taught himself the electric bass, electric guitar, drums, and classical guitar, although I have my suspicions about the classical guitar. His technique is really rather refined, NOT something you could pick up "just like that".)

Or perhaps it's that he doesn't think he HAS limits, hence the cocksure attitude. Were we all like that when we were 14? I certainly remember being something like that when I was that age .. that feeling of being able to take on anything life could throw at me .. and always emerging the glrious victor. Aaah .. youth. *G*

So, does living makes you uncertain of yourself? *ponders*

I don't know about others, but when I think of old people, I find them to be .. almost overly-cautious. Old people don't seem to be willing to take so many risks as someone younger would .. which brings me back to the question: Does Living make you Uncertain?

All I know, from personal experience, is that when I've failed at something, it makes me less sure. Sure I learn from my mistakes, and grow the wiser for it, but it makes me less sure all the same. What began as an almost non-existent smidgen of self-doubt grows bigger and bigger with every mistake made, and criticism received.

Oh, I don't let this get in the way of me being me. Am I being paradoxical? lol .. What I mean is, that although this self-doubt exists, it exists in this private, most personal part of my Self. I actually do make it a concious effort to not let it affect how I ultimately act, and how I ultimately regard myself.

I guess I am not too upset I possess this Self-Doubt. It acts as a reminder that I am not infallible, that I am not invincible ... but that's okay. It reminds me that I am only human .. prone to human mistakes, and prone to human failures .. and realising this also assures me that for every time I may fall down, I will always be able to pick myself right back up again. Resilience is, after all, the human nature. How else could we have possibly survived all these millenia! lolz ..

I wonder if the kid thinks about this .. and I wonder if I would feel the same about this when I'm 70. :oD

So, if the price of Wisdom is giving up the Cock-Sureness of Youth, then so be it. It won't be easy, but when you think about it, have we really got a choice?