If wishes were horses ...

If wishes were horses, I would own one the size of which would rival Sparta's 'gift' to Troy. It would also be just as treacherous.

Have you ever felt so alone? I mean, so truly alone that you have absolutely no one? You don't want to burden the people you love because, frankly, it's not their burden to bear? You just feel so .. lost.

Why does loving have to hurt so much? It shouldn't. I don't think it should.

Love is a double-edged sword which cuts both ways. Yet we would go to the Ends of the Earth to seek it.

Right now, one end cuts significantly deeper than the other. Is it no wonder it hurts so much?

Sleep is a shameless tease. Peace eludes me. Numbness is a constant, unwanted companion.

I have ever been a trusting one. "Accepted, unless proven otherwise." But I have never been one who is quick to love.

And the one time I fall, I fall hard. On my face.

And the one time I admit I did, it gets thrown back at me. In my face.

He is in my every waking thought, He haunts even my dreams. In the day, I can at least control my thoughts. Foolish, unbidden fantasies can be easily dismissed. The nights are the worst. My dreams show me the best of What Could Have Been. I have no control over those dreams. I cannot banish them nor memories of them so easily. They might not be real, but the tears are. They continue to torment me. I begin to dread nightfall.

People tell me He is not worth it. I nod in assent. I tell myself He isn't worth any of it; not the heartbreak, not the misery, none of the sorrow, none of the tears, none of my love. Yet I know how much I lie to myself. Everything is a big, confused Lie. He is worth all that and so much more.

Yet, I cannot bring myself to reach out and grab All I Truly Desire. I am unable to fight for that which I have been waiting for all my life, because I know that should I win, I could never live with myself.

"What's it like, I wonder, to know he chooses to be with another woman?"

I know all too well.