Ghosts of Friends Past

Last night was a night of eerie dreams. Okay, one dream, that I remember, but it was definitely eerie.

Maybe I need to drink more organic soy shakes???

I dreamt I was in a room, which was empty save for a bare wrought-iron bed frame, and a simple wood table which I was sitting at. I wasn't doing anything in particular, just sitting. Then, one at a time, friends whom I have not seen nor made contact with for several years kept coming through the door and looked around the room as if searching for something. They looked right through me, however, as though I was invisible. Then after looking around awhile, they left without finding whatever it was they came in for.

This went on the whole night. Sometimes, some of them came in more than once, but none of them ever said anything. It spooked me. There was a palpable air of foreboding throughout. No words were passed or exchanged, nor was my presence ever acknowledged. It remains uncertain as to who was the spectre, me or them? But what remained unchanged was the way all of them seem to be searching for something.

One of them, however, came in more frequently than the rest. HotStuff was a very close friend of mine in college, but we have barely seen each other since he left for Australia. He's Bruneian, btw, so even when school is out for the summer, I don't get to see him. I've seen him maybe twice in the last 4 years when he made short trips to KL, but we used to write each other on a fortnightly basis for the first couple of years and he used to call every year on my birthday.

No, there was never anything between us. MzMin and I talked about whether purely platonic friendships with males were possible, and for me, he was it. We got along superbly. We could talk for hours and hours about everything, laughed endlessly about the silliest things, flirted outrageously and filthily, and yet, there was never a moment where romance ever entered the picture. I'm expecting a lot of skepticism over all this, but that's up to you. All I am doing is telling it like it is.

He was my date for our Prom, and he played the guitar accompaniment for me when I performed that same night. Don't ask about that, it was sooo bad ... *absolutely mortified* He also should have been the King to my Queen that night. Dangit! He lost by only two votes!! Ironically, I won by only two votes.

It was kind of like having a girlfriend, only not. It was such a comfortable friendship, one that fits you like a second nature. To sum things up, I think he said it best when he once said to me, "Jas, you're like a hug that lasts all day." Yup, he calls me his all-day-long-hug of a friend. Though I'm supposed to be the one who's better with words, he summed it all up in that simple sentence. That is what our friendship was like. A huge hug which lasted all day.

However, communication stalled about a year and a half or so ago. I guess we've both been a little lax about keeping in touch. I know I can get pretty lazy sometimes.

But in my dream yesterday, he would come in every so often, look around, then leave. The more often he came in, his expression became correspondingly more furrowed, more confused. Once in a while, I would softly call out to him, and it was as though he could sense it, although he couldn't hear me, and the more perplexed he would seem.

Finally, he came in, looked around awhile, searching, and his eyes finally rested on me. All at once, tenderness replaced confusion. He smiled gently and softly called out my name.

It was then I woke, filled with this inexplicable sense of dread. I don't know why, but something feels .. unsettled.

I've sent him an email. I hope he answers. Promptly.