The Ill-Fated Drum Exam

I sat for my Drum Exam today. Pot. It all went to pot.

You know how they say that for a stage performance, if the final dress rehearsal is a total disaster, then opening night is almost guaranteed to be a success? Yeah. My final practise session yesterday went flawlessly. Maybe I should have purposely screwed up yesterday.

So. I knew my pieces, apa lagi? This was my first music exam in .. oh, 8 years, so of course I was nervous! Outside the exam room, waiting for the student before me to finish, my heart started stuttering and my body started to feel light all over, as though I was floating. Yes, that’s what happens when I get nervous. I 'float'.

I took several deep, calming breaths, and by the time that little bell rang, signalling my turn, I had regained control over my nerves. I took my little slip and handed it over to the examiner. This cute, English male examiner. Yes lah. Jas memang mata keranjang sikit…

First, he asked if I would prefer to perform my pieces or do the technical exercises first. I thought I might as well get the pieces over with before another attack of jittery nerves hits again.

I was given a short practise session to make sure the drums positioning, etc. were fine. Slight adjustments were made, and the short, ungraded practise went well. Then the music for the first piece came on. Yeah, I was in the groove, baby! I managed to get through the first piece without a hitch, and we moved on to the second piece.

The second piece was a more fun piece, more fluid. It started off well, and I was grooving along, enjoying the music .. when disaster inevitably struck. With no warning what-so-ever, the nerves struck halfway through the song, and my whole left leg started trembling, ever-so-slightly, but uncontrollably. It was hard trying to take deep, calming breaths when you’re trying to concentrate on the music AND trying to keep the tempo, but I had just managed to regain control over my left leg when my left hand AND right leg started trembling! Augh! The only thing that was running through my mind then was F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!!!

I think it was then that the nerves totally took over. EVERYTHING started trembling at that point, and I just totally gave up trying to regain control. Menggigil pun menggigil lah. All I was trying to do was finish the song as best I could, which meant getting the beats right, to hell with the shaky strokes. I finished the song, and desperately tried to quell the nervous trembling before the third song began. Fortunately, the CD player was being somewhat difficult, allowing me the few precious extra seconds I needed to calm down somewhat.

The third song. Eurgh. In retrospect, I should have probably gotten it over with first. Always, throughout the history of my music exams, I’ve always had problems with my third song, and always, it is my favourite of the three. This time was no different. My third song was the most difficult, technically and rhythmically, and required full concentration but I also had to be totally relaxed.

I guess it’s an understatement to say that that strategy was shot to pieces.

Seeing, however, that I had little choice left, I ignored the more difficult passages, replacing them instead with whatever I could come up with (which were correct, rhythmically, but not exactly technically impressive) and was determined to enjoy the music. The third piece was full of loud, crashing cymbals. What fun. You can imagine the minor relief I got by banging my frustration out on them...

The technical exercises went by smoothly, thank God. Then came the aural tests. Groan. First, he played a short phrase, and I had to describe the beats. A cinch. Then he was explaining something to me .. something to do with my having to listen to the next snippet of music (he would play it twice) and mimicking it on my own ... only his accent was soooo thick (amende lah mat salleh nih cakap??) that by the time I deciphered what he had said, the first example of the phrase had already ended! Augh! When I heard it the second time around, I realised it was a bit complicated! Apa daaaa!!

I (very politely) asked if he could play it just once more, but he said (insert super thick English accent), "Sorry, love, I’d love to, but exam procedures .. etc. ..." Crap! So I sat there for a few seconds, staring unblinkingly at the wall, trying to remember how that (mutter mutter) pattern went.

"What’s important is that you try, love." Apa mat salleh ni panggil aku 'love, love' pulak???

I had a vague idea of how it went, and after a few false starts, I thought, what the hell? Whatever lah! and (at the very end of the exam!!) frustration overcame the nerves, and my limbs finally stopped trembling.

One last Section to go before the torture would finally be over: General Musical Knowledge.

Mr Brit: First Question: What is the time signature for this piece and can you explain it, please?
Me: The time signature is 4/4, meaning four crotchet beats to a bar.
Mr Brit: Yes, thank you.

Mr Brit: Now, can you identify any dynamics markings in the score?
Me: Yeah, there's a bit of a crescendo here, which means getting louder, and some diminuendo, which is the opposite of crescendo, of course, where you should gradually play softer, and there's a bit of fortissimo here, which means loud, and some mezzo pianoforte, which .. uhhh .. should be played medium .. umm .. soft .. ehmm .. *ramble patters off to a mumble at the sight of Mr Brit staring at me like I suddenly sprouted fangs...*

Mr Brit: Uh, okay. Thank you. Next, are there any 16th notes in the score?
Me: Yes.
*Pause*
Mr Brit: Errr .. can you point them out to me, please?
Me: Oh. Err .. yes. *Idiot!!!* Here.

Mr Brit: Right, now, could you please show me, on the score, an example of a raast?
Me: *Blink* A raast?
Mr Brit: Yes, a raast.
*My mind went completely blank here, because what the hell is a raast???!?!! If it’s some technique or grouping pattern, DrumSifu didn’t teach me anything about it!! What the f*ck is a Raast?!?!!*
Mr Brit: *Noting the silence* Umm .. *speaking slowly as if to a complete moron* .. can .. you .. point .. out .. ONE .. raast?
Me: *Feeling faint* Urrrm … no?
Mr Brit: *Shocked* You don’t know what a rest is?
Me: (Understanding finally dawns!) *Yelling at the top of my voice out of excitement* A REST! A rEst!! Of course I know what a rEst is!! This (pointing at a rEst with flourish!) is a rEst! A crotchet rEst!!!
Mr Brit: *Releases a breath of relief .. or of gratefulness that the session was finally coming to an end and he could finally be rid of this nincompoop* Yes, thank you!! Must have been the language, huh? *Wry, lopsided grin.*
Me: (Apa 'language' pulak mat salleh ni? We're both speaking English, innit?) *In a censorious tone* Yes, it was definitely your accent.
*Oer. Did I just manage to deduct all my marks with that comment???!?!!*
Mr Brit: *Smile remains stiffly pasted on his face, looking like he was torn between tossing me out the 5th floor window, or laughing himself hysterically to death. Finally settles for just tossing me out of the room.* Right. Thank you. You may leave now. Now.

Sigh.

Jess, Jess. What are we going to do with you?