Growing Up

Weddings get to me. They didn't use to, but in the past few years, they have.

I suppose it all started with my cousin's wedding slightly over 2 years ago. She's two years older than me, and we more or less grew up together. We hung out a bit, did lunches, signed up for ice-skating lessons together, shared happy and bitter stories of our love lives, whenever one was currently in existence. I remember when she was telling me about this new guy she was seeing, how she'd known him almost forever since he was her older brother's friend, but they had only just started seeing each other. I loaned her my shoulder to cry on whenever she was lonely for him while he was studying in the US, I lent her my ear whenever she needed to blow off steam whenever they had an argument. Six years later, they married. Eight years on, they celebrated their son's first birthday.

I wept at her wedding. At the time I wasn't sure why I did. I just attributed it to heightened emotions. When I thought about it, I would be her age in two years. I shuddered at the thought of marriage in two years time.

Too many weddings than I can recall have passed since then, many of which were of friends of the same age, whom I went to school with. Some of them I had known since I started school at 7, some of them whom I had known later, but became close to. Most of the weddings were of girls I was - am - friends with, but were never particularly close to. Attending all those weddings, I never really got teary, with the exception of my cousin's, of course. Like I said, none were particularly close friends. This year, and the next two or so, my diary will be filled with the weddings of friends whom I am actually close to.

Today, I attended the wedding - akad nikah - of MsBoo. I've known her since .. I can't even remember. We spent our primary and secondary schooling years in the same school, and were always on friendly terms. The years after our schooling saw us maintaining that friendship, mainly through the GirlyGirl network. I guess I never told her how honoured I felt that she invited me to witness such an important event in her life, and to share her joy today. Anyway, the point is that of all the weddings I've attended to date, hers was more personal than all the others.

I knew her when she was still a budak Darjah 4. I knew her in high school. Today, she became somebody's wife.

I felt such a pang seeing her all dressed up for her wedding. She was so calm, so composed. So ready. I watched her demurely sit on the cushion in the masjid, listening to her very-very-soon-to-be husband recite the akad. I watched her serene expression as the lafaz was accepted by the wali and witnesses. She looked very grown up. She was all grown up.

Seeing her so composed helped me hold back my own tears. I don't know what I was tearing over, but her composure saved my own. However, had I been closer to her, no doubt there would be no holding them back. I can only imagine what it must have been like for the other Girls, who are all much closer to her than I.

"Min, do you think things will change after I get married?"
"Duh!" <-- sarcastic married mother of Min.
"I don't want things to change."

I know too well what that feels like. The first time I heard those words, I was the one who spoke them. The circumstances, however, were extremely different. He would be marrying and leaving me behind. I didn't want things to change. Well, I did want them to change, but not that way.

Marriage. All these friends have grown up, taking on new responsibilities willingly, embracing them with open arms. The thought of a committment of that scale makes me want to run to the ends of the world.

You see, marriages seem so ... cheap, what with the frequency of divorces nowadays. I don't condemn people who settle for divorce. As my mother once told me, you make the best decisions you can, but even then, they may ultimately turn out to be wrong. Your only options then are to either sleep in the bed you made, or admit your mistake and start over.

Egoistical me has a problem with admitting my mistakes. It doesn't mean that I don't - especially when it's especially glaring - but I just don't like to. Therefore, I avoid anything which could possibly end up being a mistake. Call it preemptive, call it chicken, but the point is, I hate taking risks. Factors of your life involving only you are by far easier to control, hence less the risk. When someone else enters the equation, wooo hooo! There's no way you can control someone else's thoughts or feelings, and that's risking a lot that things might not go so peachy. I've just realised what a control freak I might actually be. Aduh. o_O

Thing is, I'm not ready to be responsible for someone else. I've got quite a bit of growing up to do before I'm ready to allow my globe of responsibility to encompass someone else besides just me. Yes, yes. I know how selfish it sounds, but like I said, I have a lot of growing up to do yet. Responsibility for someone else is no piddling matter, and if I can't even be fully responsible for myself yet, how to take care of someone else? And when I finally do open myself up to it, I want to be sure that I actually can do it. All in good time. And just like most people, I only want to go through it once. I hope for it, I pray for it.

But despite not being ready for marriage myself, weddings get to me. I'm aware of just how much dedication it takes to make a committment like marriage, and I'm in awe that these couples have it in them.

And when I think about the responsibility of taking care of someone else, I sometimes think that it might be nice to give part of myself unconditionally, willingly, and derive joy from it.

And I think that it might be nice to have someone to unconditionally, willingly be responsible for me, to care for my every need, and that I could give him joy by it.

And I think it might be nice to have that for the rest of my life.

Now I know why I get teary at weddings.