*YAWN*

Hallo. I am back. I have been back since Sunday, 4.25pm. (Unless, of course, you consider being in Malaysian airspace as 'back', in which case I have been 'back' since Sunday, 3.25pm. Inaaaaaane....)

Who sez working with your mother is lelaxing?? For all you people out there who think I've got a cushy job, you obviously don't have a mother like mine, who roped us into working the very day after our arrival, even though we 'officially' applied for leave till Tuesday.

Hence, I am exhausted. Travelling 'back' in time is okay. It's travelling 'ahead' that leaves me no choice but to prop my eyes up with paper clips at 10am.

Updates must wait. Bringing my body clock forward takes precedence. Give me .. till tomorrow? Heh heh.

Mekah, Here I Come!

It's 11:19pm, and I've only just come home from a whirlwind absolute-last-minute shopping expedition. Heh heh. It's amazing how much you learn about what's available in your neighbourhood after 10:30pm. ;o)

I have yet to start packing. Haha! Looks like I'll be up all night stuffing my bag. I figure there'll be ample sleep time on the plane. ;o)

Will therefore be A.W.O.L. for the next 10 or 12 days. I could probably find Internet connection in Saudi, but it's hardly likely I'll log in. You understand. ;o)

I'm ;o)-ing a lot. I'm hyped! I'm excited! *G*

Intinerary: KL-Dubai-Jeddah-Madinah-Mekah-Jeddah-KL. Two days (of shopping! eh eh heh) in Dubai. Heard lots about the city. Can't wait to go! I hear the Burj Al-Arab is something else. Am planning to check it out. Will they charge me for walking over their foyer carpeting?

Whatever awaits me in Mekah, I am ready for it. See you in 12 days.

;o)


~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Anonymity Is Underrated.

There's a lot to be said of the benefits of being anonymous. Like, DUH, Jas! *D'oh!* <- Homer Simpson style. People use blogs (or online-journals, or whatever it is you choose to call it) for many different reasons. Some as an actual diary, some to practise their writing skills, some to inflate their own egos, and (like someone said) some simply to tell the world about their screwed up lives and blacken other people's names in the process. (!!!) Huh.

For me, like I said in my very first entry (I think), this is a place for me to share my thoughts, vent my frustrations, and share my joys with others. Someone, anyone, no one. That's the beauty of publishing on the Internet. Nobody necessarily reads your writing, yet it feels as if someone does.

Another beauty of the Internet is the option of anonymity it offers. Sometimes I wish I had opted for that.

While I don't mind sharing my thoughts and joys with other people, it's sometimes hard to write the things you want to write about without intruding on the privacy of others. Because people know you, they also usually mostly know who you're talking about. Sticky. She would know exactly what I'm talking about.

Thing is, honestly, this is a good place for me to rant and bitch and complain whenever I need to. Well, 'good' here being totally relative, of course. It's definitely good for me. Heh.

Unfortunately, sometimes, I can't. Much as I need to rant and let it all out, I cannot ignore the boundaries of other people's privacy, no matter how much the rant-ee has pissed me off. And it all makes me wonder why the hell I didn't just be anonymous from the start.

But I know why: because otherwise, who would read it? lolz. Yes, ladies and germs, it's Ego, screaming for it's time on the soapbox. *Sigh* Yes, I also realise that my logic is chasing its own tail somewhat, but pteh. I never claimed to be logically coherent. :o)

So I'll just have to suffer the pains of my Ego. Maybe I'll start another blog as an Anonymous. Hmm .. yes, maybe I will. I'll be sure to give you guys the new address.


p/s: No, I'm not pissed off with anyone. Just musing. :o)

~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Yes, yes, I know that it is unacceptable to begin sentences with 'and', 'but' and 'because', but frankly, I never understood it, and they fit, so nyeh.

A woman is in labour delivering her first child, and her husband stands by her side, holding her hand. A contraction hits her unawares, and she starts yelling, "Can't! Don't! Didn't! Won't!!!"

"Doctor!" says the panicked husband. "What's wrong with my wife?! Why is she yelling like that?!!"

The doctor looks up and says, "Contractions."

~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Unkymoods! They were too cute to resist. Thanks to MzMin, MrsNads and HoneyR.

A Penny, A Pound.

A .... lot .... has been happening, but as is typical, nothing of monumental significance. Enough to make me think about things, though. Maybe I'll share them later, when I'm feeling more ... articulate, or lucid, because despite having a lot to think about, nothing really seems really important, and I'm not really able to express them well right now anyway.

I'll be leaving for Mekah to perform umrah next week. Will be leaving on Thursday evening, to be exact. I am looking forward to this trip, I have been for a while now. Excited is not the word, Eager might be better. It is an eagerness which almost borders on the verge on urgency. Almost.

At a time of great confusion in my life, I seek answers. I seek clarity. I seek resolution.

I seek to understand the meaning of it all. I'm going with the hope that I might find peace. While I realise, realistically, that a miracle is unlikely to occur while I'm there, I'm hoping to find solace in the only Place I have left to turn to.

This last week saw a .. change, of sorts, in the way I've been looking at things. While much of the same things have been running through my thoughts, I've been viewing them in a very different manner - totally devoid of emotion. Very objective, very impersonal, very clinical. It's very strange. You know how sometimes your eyes skim over the words on a page, and while you're reading the words, you're not really comprehending it? That's what it feels like.

In a place where wishes should not be made lightly, it's as if I'm trying to put my priorities in order - determining what is truly important, what might be frivolous, and which are just plain foolish. I must admit that I had an almost desperate wish to make. Yes, it might have been all for the wrong reasons, but it honestly wasn't my main motivation for making this journey, and it was a desperate desire all the same. Now I wonder, is it really so important? As the saying goes: "Be careful what you wish for. It might just come true."

I'm not a very religious person. I try to be the best person I can be, in all aspects, but I'll be the first to say that I'm not very religious. Yet Faith and Beliefs are something so unseperable from what you are, whether in excess, moderation or lack of it. It cannot be denied, and sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you going.

I don't know. Whatever. I'll not bother you with this mystical-ish mumbo-jumbo. In short, I'm just a girl looking for answers - on a semi-expensive trip. :o) Wish me a safe journey?

Hurricane Ahoy!!

This was the funniest thing I've seen today! Enjoy, compliments of Jay's Party! *G*

What Being Malaysian Means To Me

The title makes me feel like I'm writing an essay for school. *winkz*

On the night of the 29th of August, I went out for dinner with a few friends. Of course, the matter of Merdeka Day came up, it being the night before the eve of and all. What came up in the ensuing conversation, with regards to the forementioned topic, was:

1. that it would be a public holiday, and
1.1. what will you be doing on Tuesday (Merdeka Day), ah??

2. tomorrow night: countdown. You counting down or not?
2.1. where? BBWalk? Dataran? KLCC?
2.1.1. eh, i heard got AF/Erra/Too Phat/etc. concert at yah-de-yah place. you going there izzit?
2.2. countdown at club, ah?
2.1.1. which club, haaaaaaaa?

All I could do was sit there and listen to the conversation with absolute dismay. What made me even more distraught was another topic which wove itself intermittently through the conversation, which was the subject of P(ermanent)R(esidence)ship in a foreign country.

How the hell does someone talk about applying for PR - and possibly migrating - in the same breath that they mention our Independence Day? No, less a matter of 'how do they?' than a matter of 'how can they?'.

Patriotism is, apparently, dead in most places. We were sitting in the middle of a busy eatery, and all around me I could hear plans of where who would be going for the countdown, which club, which bar, which pub they would go to, meet who and who and who, call so and so to join us, then can paaaaaarty (I hear such-and-such club is having Happy Hours till 2am, wor!).

If only these people really listened to what they were saying. Hello, it's Merdeka Day? A day to commemorate the day our country gained its independence 47 years ago? Sure, a lot of us were not yet around to witness the Event first-hand, but isn't that why we celebrate it every year? To make us aware of it?

I'm finally beginning to understand the purpose of all those tedious Sejarah (History) lessons in school. Sure, they were boring, but now I see just how necessary it all was, and still is.

It made me sad that grown adults talked of such a significant day in such an insignificant manner. It made me sad that Merdeka Day was a day to go have dinner at some fancy restaurant and then head for expensive wine(s) at the nearest lounge. (Merdeka Day, what? Special day! Must celebrate, so must spend money la!) Did being a free country really mean so little to them? For crying out loud, they can do that on any other day! Does the special day meant to commemorate the day we achieved Independence mean so little to them?

These past few years have seen more wars than I care for, the most recent being the war in Iraq. Poor, poor Iraq. Freed of one tyrant, only to be the lackey of another. Does America really think they fooled anybody by declaring Iraq 'independent' now? Poor, poor Iraq. Thing is, this issue is not even really over yet. Are Malaysians so thick-skulled that they cannot learn from the mistakes or misfortunes of others? Thinking about the whole Iraq issue makes me appreciate my country's independence even more.

But what disappointed me the most was the topic of PR. All my dining companions, with me being the only exception, were either:
1. in the process of obtaining a PR,
2. applying for PR soon, or
3. interested and will work on applying for PR in the near future.

Countries of choice, in a roughly descending order: Australia, US, UK, Singapore (bomb Singapore!!). Australia was by far the favourite, owing to the fact that many already have relatives of some sort already living there. ('80's migration boom.)

To me, listening to my fellow countrymen talking about swearing by another country, it felt almost tantamount to betrayal. I'll allow that I may have been overreacting to it a wee bit, but to say it didn't sit well with me would be grossly understating how I felt. So, feeling the (possibly unreasonable) need to 'defend' my country somewhat (against my own countrymen! Oh, the pain!), I asked them why they even want a PR status in someone else's country.

They looked at me as if I were a simpleton, an idiot who never bothered to find out what went on beyond the length of my own nose. The reasons are simple, Jas.
1. Jobs. It'll be much easier to get a job in Australia, coz most of the time, if you don't have at least PR status, your CV won't even be looked at.
2. Careers. Work overseas, got standard, mah! If you want to come back to work here (although only God would know why you would want to!), better chance of getting a high-paying position! But why come back? Overseas pay in USD or AUSD. More money, what! Come back here, get paid in Ringgit, cheh! Peanuts, man!!
3. Status. People back home hear you live overseas, waaaaa! Glamour, man. What's more, even your family back home can tumpang glamour, got relatives in angmoh country, almost just as good as an angmoh themselves!
4. And most importantly, Security. Ya what? If Malaysia suddenly got war one day, how? Must have a security net somewhere! Somewhere to run to in times of trouble! You stupid, ah? You mean you never thought of all this before?

Nationalism is well and truly dead, at least with that group. Loyalty is a dirty 7-letter word, patriotism a forgotten sentiment.

To say I was disgusted is putting it mildly. I was so offended, at more than just their thoughtless remarks, but at their sentiments as well! And their gall! We were just talking about Hari Merdeka!!!

Jobs, careers, money to be made, Malaysia is a rich land, with more than enough opportunities for them to make oodles and oodles of money! What makes them think that the foreigners are going to welcome outsiders into their countries with open arms and press them to their bosoms? Ei, you are going there to take their jobs, take their money, live on land that would more rightly be theirs. What the hell makes you think they're not going to fight you, if not openly then in a million small ways? Come on, lah! What makes you think that they're not going to treat you the same way we treat Indonesian, Filipino and Bangladeshi workers here, no matter how professional you may be, ha? To them, you are Third World, man! So many people, when thinking of migrating, think that they'll be welcomed with rose petals strewn in their paths.

As for security reasons. *snort* This disgusted me the most.

"If got war, then how? Must have somewhere to run to! Safer that way! You should be more long-sighted, Jas!"

Kepala hotak biul engkau! What the hell makes you think I'll abandon my country in her direst time of need?!?!!! If there is a war, like hell I will stay and fight for my country! This is my home! I will fight for her with the last living breath in my body.

Hujan emas di negeri orang,
Hujan batu di negeri sendiri.
Baik lagi di negeri sendiri.

I finally understand what this means. I'll take my chances with the hujan batu.

This land I was born in, this land I was raised in, this land that fed me, nurtured me, protects me - this is my home, no other. She has claimed me as hers, and I have claimed her as mine. More significantly, I belong to her, as she belongs to me. There is something so welcoming about this land, that unexplainable something which makes it unmistakably Home. I'll not run like a coward to seek refuge in another country. I'll not abandon her like a traitor, I'll not renounce my loyalty to her like a betrayer. This is where I was born, and this is where I hope to finally rest.

Long-sighted, my left ass. *snort* I am disgusted they can't see the worth of things beyond saving their own necks.

This one year, the whole family went to the Royal Selangor Club on the eve of Merdeka Day. We had dinner, then stayed on for the countdown. As the clock struck midnight, shouts of "Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!" filled the air, fists thrust towards the sky, and the national anthem started. The Dataran was filled to bursting with people, and as the national anthem played over the loudspeaker, everyone stood to attention, but went on chatting with each other.

In a quiet corner of the balcony where my family and I stood, two mat salleh couples sat, having drinks. If I remember correctly they were English. As the clock struck twelve, they rose from their table and stood with the rest of us at the railing. When the national anthem was played, they stood to attention. While some Malaysians on the Dataran chatted and horsed around, they sang our national anthem out loud as they watched the flag being raised 100m into the air. At the end of the anthem, they clasped each other around the waists and kissed each other. Then the men shook hands, while the women hugged. Then they turned to us, smiled, and wished us all "Selamat Hari Merdeka".

I never forgot that. I was fourteen. It took two mat salleh couples to show me what the spirit of Merdeka was all about.

Merdeka is the legacy our forefathers left for us. Merdeka Day is not an excuse for rave parties, it is a day to reflect on the battles our forefathers fought to achieve Merdeka, and it is a day to appreciate and celebrate their victory. For certain, celebrating it is more than a little alright, but all too often nowadays, the partying goes into overdrive whereas the true significance of the day becomes almost incidental.

Merdeka celebrations get to me. Huge emotional affairs. Smothering my car with flags the whole month of August doesn't make me a patriot, I carry the spirit of it with me everyday, even when I'm not conciously aware of it. Some days, I'm overwhelmed by how fortunate I am to be living in such a country so blessed with so much. And some days, I'll even remember to be grateful we live in a free country. Our own country, somewhere we truly belong. And it has to be asked: What does being Malaysian mean to you?

SELAMAT HARI MERDEKA!

Blurry - Puddle Of Mudd

Blurry. This song pretty much sums up everything right now. :'o(


Blurry

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well ya shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that i will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well ya shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to runaway

Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
Take it all away.

~Puddle of Mudd~

Sentimentality

*Groan* It's been a busy week. I can't believe tomorrow's already Friday. Where has the week gone?! No, don't tell me. I already know. I've uncovered the REAL meaning to ISO - Invention untuk Seksa Orang. *gnashes teeth*

~@~

You know how some songs are so beautiful they make you cry? Songs that are so full of yearning? So much raw emotion? Here are the top songs which could reduce me to tears at the drop of a hat - when I'm in the right (or wrong?) mood:

1. Always With Me, Always With You - Joe Satriani
2. Here Without You - Three Doors Down
3. Naked - The Goo Goo Dolls
4. Falls On Me - Fuel
5. Wasted Time - Amir Yussof
6. Masih - Flop Poppy
7. Cinta - Flop Poppy
8. Slide - The Goo Goo Dolls
9. Without You - Silverchair
10. Why - Avril Lavigne
11. Time Stands Still - The All-American Rejects
12. Numb - Linkin Park

Temperamental sentimentality.

Yep, they're all rock songs. "Masih" might be the only exception, it's very jiwang-type. I typically hate jiwang-type songs. I blame Mariah Kari (Carey). She turns sentimental melody and lyrics into an overblown ego trip. Ooooh! Look how I can taaaaaaaarik this! I'm sooo good ..... *preen* Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. Doesn't change the fact that she makes me hurl, tho. *winkz* Nothing beats jiwang-rock songs for raw pain, babeh. No, Marilyn Manson is not raw pain. He's just plain psycho..

Quiz: The OK Cupid Test!

I love Internet Tests! How else would I know what kind of person I am?!! *winkz*

The OK Cupid Test





The Priss : Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

Your exact opposite: The Playstation (Random Gentle Sex Master)

ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy

CONSIDER: The Manchild

~@~

Deliberate: (as opposed to Random) Makes decisions carefully. Is aware of, and weighs, consequences. Takes time to think things through.

Brutal: (as opposed to Gentle) More selfish than average. Selectively moral. (Ed: Eh heh hehhh ...)

Wants Love: (as opposed to Sex) Love is subject's primary motivation.

Dreamer: (as opposed to Master) Relatively innocent. Unjaded. Possessing undiscovered potential. Evolving.

~@~

" These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. (Ed: Yah right.) If only more of them lived up to your standards. (Ed: Snob!!)

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing. "

How many times have I heard other people tell me this, or (let's be honest here) think it myself? It's freakily uncanny. Silly as some of the questions in this test is, it makes you wonder at its accuracy, somewhat.

Missed Opportunities?

Today, someone almost (more or less) handed me something I've most desired for ages, on a silver platter. I've been wishing for it so badly, wanted it more than I could ever express, and today, it turns up. All I had to do was play my cards right, and Jas, being the brilliant opportunist she is, what does she do?

She FUCKS it up!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

When things are this screwed up, nothing beats the mother of all swear words. That little four-letter words just sums the fuck-up in its entirety. Just saying the word expresses all the frustration pent up like nothing else can. Repeating it on a loop for 20 continuous minutes accomplishes many things, amongst which are:
1) relieves you (somewhat) of the stress brought on by your idiotic mistake, even if the relief is only temporary;
2) reminds you what a *&$^%#@ idiot you are ...
3) .. and punishes you for it;
4) will be an efficient reminder to never commit the same mistake again, by virtue of the memory now associated with that little word.

Fuuuuuuuck!!!!!!

"Honesty is the best policy" is SOOOO over-rated!! Who says honesty is the best policy?!?!?!!!!! I fucking won't make that fucking mistake again!

*fumes*