The Passage of Time

Whither doth Time fly?

How quickly time seems to pass of late.

It seems like only a while ago that I first nervously walked to my first day of Engineering Maths, when in actuality it has been four years since.

It seems like just last week I walked out of my final paper, when it has really been almost two months since.

It seems like just a short time ago that all alone, I first boarded the plane which would take me to Kuala Terengganu, and only shortly after that said tearful farewells in Kemaman, where I left my heart, not knowing if I would ever return. It has been more than a year since. Yet, the memory is so fresh.

Where has all that time in between gone?

Maybe it's an indication of my getting older. I find that things are rarely ever remembered in chronological order anymore. All the memories are jumbled up, like pictures in a giant shoe box, to be picked up and looked at at random. I rarely ever remember when the memory was, I only remember it as it happened. Fond recollections of twelve years ago feel like it only just happened yesterday.

Just before writing this, I was remembering singing Christmas carols in the middle of June with Bern. Due to Hari Merdeka celebrations dance practise, there were no classes. Ben and I sang like it was nobody's business. I think we were in Standard 6. I remember it like it was only yesterday. *smile*

I also remember that when I was younger, time seemed to pass at a more breatheable pace.

"You can wear make-up when you're sixteen."

"Sixteen??!?!?!!! That's, like, five whole years from now!!!"

:o)

Weeks would take forever to end. A week was a week! Now, a week is only seven days, which pass by in a flash. Gosh, it used to be that I could accomplish soooooo much in a week, but of late, a week is more often than not insufficient time to get anything done at all!

Were the things I had to do then more important than the things I have to do now? When I was younger, nothing was serious, and everything was important. Now, everything is serious, but nothing feels important enough.

Perhaps children really should rule the world. *winkz*

The Accounting Seminar

WARNING: INCOHERENT RANT AHEAD!!

So, I've been at this Accounting Seminar for 2 days .. and am extremely miffed! Apesal dengan orang Melayu nih? Humility is all and good, and sometimes, so is being self-effacing and modest, but these people take it to new heights! Being in this seminar with 19 other Malay 'entrepreneurs' has tested my tolerance for such things almost to the limit!

Nobody wants to do anything first. Okay lah, I'm like that too, but when asked to do something, come on, you have to get out there and do it the best you can. Thing is, nobody here seems like their even bothering to try!!

Okay lah, not everybody. In a class of 20, I can only think of .. 6 people who have confidence enough to do anything. But of the 6, two of them are soooo adamant that whatever they're saying is right .. when in actual fact, half of what they say is completely inaccurate. The rest of it is pure bollocks. They are both men. This will be ranted on a bit later, but henceforth, all mentions of 'everybody' will refer to the rest of the class, including the Two Idiots.

Apesal dengan Melayu nih? They are so afraid to put out an opinion, and sometimes when their suggestion is voted out by the group, they completely shut down and clam up for the rest of the session. Macam mana lah dia boleh jadi entrepreneur? How do they survive the supposedly dog-eat-dog business world? And not only that, kulit nipis lak tu. Cakap sikit, melenting. Tegur sikit, merajuk. Kalau orang suruh dia buat macam tu, macam tuuuuu je lah. *Sigh*

Was it because our generation was brought up differently? Or is it geography, that the way our parents brought us up is the result of them living in the city/kampung/hulu-tempat-jin-bertendang? Nak kata they are from a different generation pun, it doesn't seem a plausible excuse. (A handful of them are my mum's age, 50s, and others in their 30s with a few of us 20-somethings.) After all, my mum isn't a cowed mouse. She brought us up the way we turned out, after all!

Tak tahu lah. Nak kata only the Melayu are like this is not totally accurate. Yet, you kind of notice that it's mostly the Malays who possess this characteristic. It is highly evident in the products of sekolah asrama, most especially - and most frustratingly - in the girls.

I would not call myself a feminist. I don't go around burning my bras. I love my bras. They make me feel so incredibly feminine, a feeling which I relish in. But whenever I don't feel like wearing one, well, I don't wear it. So what of other people's opinion? Some might say it's actually UNfeminine, that it's indecent. It's not like I'd go around in a super-transparent top when I'm not wearing a bra, and hey, I am a Woman, and nobody knows more about being feminine than Me. Besides, nobody has any right to assert any unsolicited opinions about Me on me.

Which brings me to my second rant: Why the F*ck does any woman allow any man to assert his dominance over her? Being obedient and respectful to your husband, father, uncle, elders, etc. is one thing. Allowing men to bully you is a wholly separate matter!!

Like these Two Idiots at the seminar. What in Hell makes them think that just because God gave them penises that it meant God gave them the right to Always Be Right? Maybe they do have extra brains stored in their little winkers. It is, perhaps, unfortunate that it is their dominant brain. Or maybe that one got shoved up their ass.

Like, really! *Huff* They give unsolicited opinions (kalau betul pun takpe. Nih semua merepek and totally inaccurate!), butt in whenever someone (usually a woman) is asking a question .. and worse, butt in with totally unnecessary and irrelevant interjections whenever someone (again, usually a woman) is answering a question! This goes far beyond being nosy and egoistical, it's downright rude! Almost overbearingly rude!

And what gives men the right to preside over women? Yelah, what it says in the Quran and all about men leading women, but should an incompetent man be allowed to lead more able and more competent women? Should a man who thinks he knows what he's doing be allowed to overrule women who know exactly what they're doing .. and doing it right! Why should we allow a bahlol to be the 'leader' by virtue of his accidental physical attributes???

I am not sexist. I don't believe women should always be right, or the leader. Things should be based on certain qualities, the criteria for which should be decided by the kind of situation faced. What it should not be based on are things like gender, seniority, and pangkat.

On the first day, the facilitator asked the class to elect a 'head', someone for the organizers to liase with. One woman was nominated, based on her making contact with every member of the group, eventhough we had only been there 3 hours. She was nominated, and elected by an almost unanimous vote. Did you know what the facilitator then did? He asked if the men weren't interested in being the Head instead. There were only 3 men present, including the husband of Elected Head. No, the group was happy with the decision. The other two men weren't interested? he asked again, almost plainitively. One shook his head outright, and said that he voted for Elected Head. "You, Helmy? Boleh? Boleh?" the Facilitator begged, almost on his knees. Biggest Idiot simpered and smiled and heh-heh-heh-ed, displaying all his tar-stained Chiclet bits, and said, "Boleeeeeeeeh, laaaaaaa...." Okay! Facilitator exclaimed, humour completely restored! Idiot Helmy can be the Ketua, and you at the back can be his deputy.

WTF? So much for asking the class to elect one! More importantly, that veto would not have happened had the elected been a man. I dare anybody to refute that. It was blatant sexism! Unfortunately, I remembered to mind my manners, and it was not polite to condemn organizers of the seminar upon the first meeting, I held my tongue. Anyway, we completely ignored Idiot Helmy, and all matters were directly addressed to the Woman Deputy. No, from the very beginning he did not impress us much. He continued .. and still continues! .. on in this vein, making him the Least Popular Participant. The dick. It doesn't help either that he's got the most gatal leer I've ever seen on a Malay man. He makes my skin crawl! *shivers*

*Sigh*

Yes, I know not all Malays are like this. I know not all Men are like this. They are not Men, they are Assholes - a totally separate species. I know not all Malay men are like this, ditto all Malay women. I have been extremely fortunate with regards to the people I meet and interact with. I know many intelligent and personable Malay men and women, regardless of their level of education. I also thank God that I know more intelligent people than I know meek, unthinking idiots. I think I would expire from frustration otherwise!

The seminar ends tomorrow, after final group presentations. Despite the fact that I don't have any formal training in Accountancy (barring Form 3 KH, of course), the seminar wasn't too difficult.

Oh, a little about the group presentations. We were divided into 4 groups of five, and Mr. Idiot Helmy was in mine. We were told to elect a Leader, this time by a very nice lady instructor, and guess who immediately began proceedings and delegating tasks, as if it was only natural that he was the leader. As was only natural this pissed me off to no end. (No surprise there..) I curtly reminded (nobody - and everybody - in particular) that we still had not elected a Leader. He blinked a few times, blinked a bit more, and while he blinked like a startled rabbit, I asked if there were any nominations. No? Not one? Nobody? (BTW, all the other team members are women.) They blinked at me a few times, said nothing, but nervously glanced En. Idiot Helmy's way. His face visibly unfroze and a melted smile gradually made a widening pool across his ham sap face. By then, I knew a little more about the other women to be able to push a few limits. I said, that well, since there were no nominees, I would like to nominate myself.

Heads and eyes whipped back in my direction, and after a few incredulous stares from the other ladies, they started smiling, and nodded their assent. I (tried) to smile sweetly at the quiet declarations of "I setuju." from the other ladies. It was a clear 4-to-1 majority vote. One jaw dropped, shut with a snap, gave me an oily smile, and said not a word.

Yes, I was the youngest, and yes, I had a lot of nerve, but at least I was balancing my spread sheets right. Little triumphs feel just as good.

..... Hmmm, maybe I do like politics after all. ;o)

To Be Phat, or Slym?

Today, I found myself being unable to focus - as in really focus - on anything. My thoughts have been running in erratic tangents all day long. I don't even know why I'm bothering to write today. Maybe it's another erratic tangent .. off .. something .......

Was craving for pizza 3 days straight. So today, right after work, at 10pm, I rushed to Pizza Hut, Lucky Garden, in the hopes that it was still open. Happy chance had it open till 11pm! Yay! So I bought a 9" Cheese-Stuffed Crust Hawaiian Chicken and a Pan-Crust Chicken Supreme, to go. When we got (home), guess who gobbled down all of the Cheese-Stuffed Crust Hawaiian Chicken, save one tiny slice? *Sigh* My only excuse was that I was starving and the craving only exacerbated the hunger. Glutton-like, I know, but it's not as if anybody else was eating it .... *G* As repentance, I shall put in a thorough workout at the gym tomorrow.

IF I wake up, that is. lolz ...

Hmm .. another train of thought: as Intan recently brought up, why is it that we women need to be thin to feel beautiful? Rather, why do we need to feel thin to feel beautiful? As is sometimes the case, thin women feel that they aren't thin enough, therefore suffer some sort of inferiority complex.

Is it because the glossies tell us 'Thin is In'? Is it the fault of fashion moguls who hire only sticks to model their rags? Or do we blame (gasp!) men, who, in the end, are ultimately who we're really trying to please?

Girls, let's be honest. We all, without exception, want to look nice and sexy for our men. And more often than not, sexy = thin = sexy. This game of animal attraction, I believe, is only a natural instinct. Nature's way of ensuring future generations and all .. lolz!

But it's always made me wonder: why should being sexy have anything at all to do with being thin? And let's all be honest now. Sure you might think the woman is sexy just the way she is, but can any of you really deny she'd be a whole lot sexier if she lost a few pounds?

I am not suggesting men should be blamed for this. Hardly! I'm just stating a fact. Again I ask the question: Who put these ideals of beauty in our heads? Man or woman, it hardly matters. We all have more or less the same picture of what ideal beauty should look like. Superficially.

Nowadays, beauty (snort) mags harp on and on about how one should be more accepting of one's physical condition. That the real beauty lies inside of you. I don't disagree with the message, for in a way, I believe it to be true .. but sometimes it's hard to remember it all when on the opposite page is a huge colour ad for Slimming Sanctuary/Expressions/Marie France "Find the True You!" slimming programs. Those with spokespeople who endorse feeling grrrrrreat about themselves after they've lost 30kgs and 1000 cms off their butts/thighs/upper arms. Those who attest to now having more confidence (!!) in themselves now that they are sticks, as opposed to feeling suicidally depressed when they were fat .. especially after giving birth, which is only supposed to be one of the most euphoric events of a woman's life. But no. Being thin makes you feel sooo much better than bringing a new life into the world.

With one camp harping on about "Being Fat is Phat! Just be You!" and the other banging on about the confidence-boosting properties of slimming, it's no wonder that our generation is so confused. I am certainly not immune. So what do I do? I believe that I Am What and Who I Am, despite my physical appearance, but if I Were Slim, well, that'd be grrrrrrreat! *Oy, am I in a sarcastic mood tonight!* So I eat what I want, coz I know I'm beautiful inside, then, alamak!! Besok kena pergi gym, nih!!! Diet! Diet! Diet! We are the confused generation. Adoi, pening kepala otak gua..

.. What the hell was I talking about?!?!! lolz .. I took a really short break just to stretch, and the train (of thought) was cataclysmically derailed! Okay, I'll take that as a sign of enough being enough. *chuckles*

At the end of the day, however, I think that perhaps we'll ultimately realise how superficial it all is. When you're old and wrinkled and sagging, and when sex is haaaardly an option anymore, it will finally truly sink in just how superficial physical beauty is. Until then, however, the confusing quest for Beauty goes on! lolz ... Maybe it's just me. I'm the seeing-is-believing sort of person, and although I know the theory of some things, it won't really sink in until I've experienced it. I can be stubborn that way. :o)

Will be away at an Accountings Course for 4 days. Yes, Accounting. My mum is sending her admin person for it and there was an extra space. I thought, what the hell. I might as well go. You'll never know when that skill might come on handy .. ;o) Wish me un-boredom!

Mimpi Yang Sempurna - Peter Pan: The Sound of My Heart Breaking

Mungkinkah bila ku bertanya
Pada bintang-bintang,
Dan bila ku merasa Bahasa
Kesunyian.

Sadarkah aku yang berjalan
Dalam kehampaan?
Terdiam, terpana, terbata semua dalam
Keraguan.

Aku dan semua yang terluka
Karena
Kita.

Aku kan menghilang
Dalam pekat malam
Lepas ku melayang.

Biarlah ku bertanya
Pada bintang-bintang
Tentang Arti Kita
Dalam Mimpi Yang Sempurna.

"Mimpi Yang Sempurna" ~ Peter Pan

As he keeps reminding me, he's engaged. Sometimes, I think he's reminding himself. Sometimes, I hope he's berating himself.

Sometimes, I think I'm too wistfully hopeful.

Sometimes, I think I cause my own heartbreak.

This was the song he sang for me last. It sounded like GoodBye.

Why Jas Likes Older Men

"Eh, Jas. Apesal you suka dating orang tua, hah?"

So, in response to this oft asked question ...

10 Reasons Why Jas Like Older Men (or 10 Dalil Jas Minat Lelaki .. err .. Matang! Haha!)

1. Older Men are more mature. Like, duh, but you get what I mean. They tend to be more open - and open-minded - for one ..

2. Older Men know what they want .. more often than not.

3. Older Men are more confident.

4. Older Men don't play games. When they do, they're usually quite challenging, which is better, I suppose, than the childish sort. Hey, they might as well be stimulating! Eh heh. *winkz*

5. Older Men don't beat around the bush. *Ahem* Figuratively speaking.

6. Older Men tend to have left their juvenile sense of male humour behind them. Well, most of them do, anyways.

7. Older Men know how to treat women! *Purrrrr..*

8. Older Men know how to woo women .. properly!! *Double purrrrrrr..*

9. Older Men, having been through a lot more, tend to have a finer appreciation of things, and thereby take less things for granted.

10. And perhaps most importantly, Older Men are less insecure, thereby resulting in:
* him not calling you every other hour "just because (he) misses you", which irritates the hell out of me. No, it is NOT sweet!! It's irritating!
* him not pouting and merajuk-ing just because you didn't call to wish him "Good Night". Oh brother!
* him not throwing a hissy fit because you decided to go out with other male friends just this once instead of with him.
* him not accusing you for not loving him enough because you did decide to go out with said friends.
* him not thinking he's losing you to one of said male friends, because you chose to go out with them instead of with him, therefore you don't love him anymore! *sob!* *roll eyes*

God, deliver me from men like these!

No, see, that's the difference. Those aren't men! lolz. :o)

I know what I don't want. I may not know exactly what I want, but I've dated enough to know what I don't like.

Thing is, I like my independence. Those who really know me know just how fiercely independent I can be. Maybe that's why at the ripe old age of 24 I've never been anything but single. lolz. Not that I mind. It's better than being in a restrictive relationship. I need one that lets me breathe, that lets me grow. I don't need to be stifled. I'd rather be alone that stifled.

And to be fair, I wouldn't mind if the man is just as independent as me. Being loving is one thing, and it's totally separate from being independent. Haha .. as some of those I've dated can attest, I can be quite the manja one. Hehe. Don't be surprised. *winkz* The point is, it doesn't compromise my need for space one bit. Even in a relationship, some personal space is good. The glue that binds it all is a healthy dose of communication, understanding, and a good measure of trust.

*Disclaimer: All contents of this blog entry are based on the personal dating experiences of the author. Any resemblances to your own life and/or of others personally know by you are purely coincidental. Jangan marah... If any resemblance does occur, aiyoh, get out of the relationship! Quick!! Eh heh. Just a bit of friendly advice. :o) Author denies all responsibility for any resulting outcomes. Hehe. Be well.

The LotR High

Alloz!

Back from yet another weekend trip! Went over to Singapore *grumbles. bloody singapore. no. singaporeAN* over Friday night and Saturday just for the TePapa's Lord of the Rings exhibition at the Singapore Science Centre. (Ooooh! Alliteration! Well, sort of..)

Yep, you read right. My sister, Nadia, and I travelled out of the country just for an exhibition. But it wasn't just any exhibition, it was the TePapa's Lord of the Rings exhibition!! And we've only been planning the trip for close to two years now .. therefore, we couldn't possibly miss it! *G* Also, when you think about it, it's only an 8-hour, 400km train ride away, so ....

Yep, it was a mini-adventure, all right. We took the night train to S'pore so we would arrive at 8am all fresh and ready to roll. Then while waiting for the exhibition to open, I insisted on visiting the Chinese Gardens, so off we went! I've become rather interested in bonsai of late, and this detour was definitely pre-meditated! Hee hee ...

Admission into the Chinese Gardens is free, but I happily forked over the small fee for admission into the Bonsai Garden. It was awesome! Alright, being new to the .. erm .. hobby, I've only had the chance to see, at most, 4 trees in one sitting. This time, I got to see a whole garden-full of magnificent specimens! It's sometimes silly what passions can do to you, but I was almost overwhelmed! Rows upon rows of perfectly shaped trees, beautiful compositions, and a truly amazing collection of suiseki. Wonderful! I probably could have stayed there a few hours more, had not a certain companion developed achy feet. *pout* Ah well. I suppose it was just as well, as it was well nigh approaching noon and we were there for the LotR exhibition anyways. But I definitely will have to make my way there the next time. If there will be a next time. *grumbles. bloody singaporeAN*

The MRT stop for the Science Centre was only a short hop and a skip away. Okay, maybe not. But it was only one stop away.

(Break for a little ramble here.)
I love the Singapore Public Transport System! It's soooo convenient, sooooo efficient, and most importantly, soooooo comfortable! I tell you, if we had this in KL, I'd've gotten rid of my car looooong ago. Well, maybe not, coz I really really really love my car, but I would definitely use PT more often! Malaysia could learn a lot from S'pore with regards to this. A LOT. I've got enough reasons to hate S'pore, but this one thing, I absolutely love.
(Ok. Ramble over.)

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Before we knew it, we were at the Science Centre!! Wheeee! I positively skipped down the driveway to the entrance! We had arrived!!

Admission was S$20. Oooooow-wie! But more than happily spent. And of course, before even paying the admission fee, we had to do a spot of Souvenir window-shopping! Tee hee. Surveying what was worth getting our grubby hands on.

Unfortunately, we were somewhat disappointed at the rather limited selection of souvenirs on sale. Can you believe there were no T-shirts for sale??!!?!! Who's ever heard of an exhibition souvenir-store with no T-shirts for sale?!?!!!! I was so hoping to get a cute baby-sized one for LittleSumo. Imagined him as a pint-sized Legolas .. or with Sauron's Eye on his little, round baby belly. <:o(

Fortunately, however, the souvenirs weren't too pricey, so we were able to get more than enough for them back home who weren't able to, or didn't want to follow us. It was a good exercise in stretching our budget, but I say we succeeded admirably! But yes, yes, sense did kick in. We bought them goodies only after we had completed the tour. Our self-restraint was amazing. Pats on the back all around. *G*

The exhibition itself was totally amazing. We got to see some of the actual costumes (i.e. Aragon, Arwen, Legolas, Elrond, etc.), most (if not all!) the amazing weaponry, the conceptual designs, and most fascinatingly how the movie was made. I thought it was an extremely detailed exhibition. Highly educational (in an artsy sense, I mean), not to mention entertaining!! Also, it was fascinating to see how an object of art (i.e. the movie) is actually the result of extremely, minutely precise technical processes! So much for art being art and science being science. The borders for those are becoming extremely blurry, as this exhibition proved.

What most interested me (and had me viewing every tape concerning it) were the ultra-special effects. It was utterly mind-blowing how they achieved that forced-perspective thingy .. how did these people come up with the ideas of how to do it that way to achieve this in the first place?!?!! Sheer genius, I tell you!!

It was absolutely amazing. Truly amazing! It may have been just three 3-hour movies to the audience, but the exhibition gave such insight into the amount of hard work and brain power that went into producing such fine movies in the first place. We've perhaps become jaded towards movies, not putting any consideration as to the effort that was put into producing one, therefore wonderful as the LotR Trilogy was, to most of us, it's still *shrug* Just Another Movie.

Perhaps it was Just Another Movie, but it was also someone's (in this case, Peter Jackson's) dream. It was also someone's passion, someone's inspiration and motivation. And when you then begin to realise as you progress through the exhibition, that the movies were the product of not just one man's dream, but the dreams and imaginations of the hundreds other people who were involved in producing the movies, you become .. humbled. These people had a dream .. and they achieved it magnificently, in garangtuan proportions. It may have been Just Another Movie, but it gave direction and purpose to their lives. It's better than having nothing to look forward to, and they are fortunate enough to see one of their Life's Purposes fulfilled. I don't believe that kind of Beauty can be bought.

It was truly wonderful. My only complaint is that we weren't allowed to take any pictures!!! *grumbles*

After that, Nadia and I ran rampant through the other permanent exhibitions at the Science Centre. (The admission fee for the LotR exhibition was inclusive of admission to the Science Centre.) The exhibitions were designed more towards the education of the smaller folk (read: children, NOT dwarves and/or hobbits!!) so they were extreeeeemely child-like. As if that would stop us! lolz! We romped and ramped and crawled and spun round and round like the best of them. I think we scared a few kids. lol.

All in all, it was a truly .. educational day. :o) Educational without compromising on the fun. It was a really fun day.

The part which gets me almost laughing out loud whenever I think about it, however, is that we went for a 1-day trip .. to Singapore ... with only ONE half-filled(!!) backpack .. AND on a shoestring budget. Seriously. We calculated our estimated expenditures and brought what we thought would be just enough to buy some souvenirs, to pay for MRT and bus fares, and to buy lunch and dinner. Amazingly, we survived! More amazingly, we brought *exactly* the right amount of money! I think we came home with less than S$10 between us. Amazing.

I can hardly believe I travelled with only one half-filled backpack! And that I lacked for absolutely nothing! In fact, some things I could have even left at home! Not much of an achievement, but it's something I never thought I'd've been able to do .. but I did it!

And I never thought that I would find myself one day brushing my teeth and washing my face in the public toilet of a railway immigration building .. but I did!

... they may not count for much now, but I believe the little achievements go a long way. Moreoever, I've learned more things about myself throughout the course of this trip; increasing my limits, and understanding the human nature better. There aren't many lessons more valuable than those.

Redang

I'm back!!!

Redang was, as always, beautiful. I've truly lost track of the number of times I've visited the place, but everytime I go, it claims another little piece of my heart. This time was no different. My little paradise on Earth. I came home with a gorgeous tan and a few phone numbers (a couple of which I really wanted), so I can't say it was an entirely disappointing weekend. *Tee hee*

Also came back with an education as to how things almost fall into your lap when you're a woman in a bikini. Tsk tsk, I guess there really is a reason as to why stereotypes exist. Men really do think with their heads *ahem* .. which also brings a certain element of danger to the games I play. Isyh, isyh, isyh ... I've been good at handling situations so far, but sometimes I do wonder if my luck will one day run out. Freaky .. but it's just so much fun.

However, while Redang was good, the rest of the vacation wasn't. Lots of things were said .. lots of issues provoked .. lots of emotions running high, mainly mine. While I am not typically the most emotional person around, this time, things got rough. For me. Mostly. If there had been 8 dwarves, I'd have been Weepy.

I remember a time when I felt generally happy, with the occasional upset. I remember such a time, but I can't remember in the slightest what it felt like. The situation now seems totally reversed: this huge, gaping void with the occassional, brief glimmer of laughter.

Rain, rain on my face,
It hasn't stopped raining for days.
My world is a Flood.
Slowly I become
One with the Mud.

"Flood" ~ Jars of Clay

Gua Nak Kerja .....

The presentation went .. not too well. *Glum* Fortunately, though, the examiner wasn't too cruel ... adjustments need to be made before I can hand over the final report, but ah well.

Needless to say, this makes me feel frustrated. I so desperately need to move on! For the past couple of years or so, I've been completely stuck in a rut. It's this sense of complete .. aimlessness, and lack of doing (something, anything!) has been on the verge of driving me completely out of my mind! I am just so tired and utterly bored of school.

Truly told, I would have quit a year ago had I not gone for my industrial training. The training stint was a real eye-opener. It was then that I discovered that I would love working as an engineer. It showed me that all that seemingly useless information I was absorbing in class truly did have some point to it, that it wasn't just random, aimless babble.

I suppose that's the difference to me. When I was able to physically apply all that knowledge, there was a sense of accomplishment, which was fulfilling. Just knowing it all without seeing it's implementation seemed totally pointless to me .. and that irritated me and frustrated me to no end. Knowledge, if it cannot be utilised, is essentially useless. And uselessness is most definitely a strong pet peeve of mine.

In a sense, it was my saving grace. It's almost a law in this country that if you don't have paper qualifications, then you're next to a Nobody. Wouldn't we all like to do as we please, and have equal opportunities for all? Equal opportunities, my ass. It doesn't exist here. Without that piece of paper, you don't really have that much of a chance in most places. *Sigh* I seriously don't know what I would have done had I not gone for my industrial training. I'm grateful for the direction it gave me, and the resolve to just complete my final year so I can get a job later.

It's funny how almost everyone tells me to enjoy being a student now as I'll probably hate having to work later. Thing is, I hate being a student now! How much worse could having to work be?!?!! lol. No, I loved working, and am really looking forward to it. Perhaps it is simply the novelty of doing something new. This enthusiasm will probably wear off when working becomes more routine and is driven more by necessity rather than enjoyment. Then again, perhaps not. I know a few people who are quite similar to my temperament and they pick working hands down over being a student. lolz .... Well, que sera sera, what will be, will be. If I get bored, I'm sure I'll find a way to reinvent my life. *winkz*

I'll be going to Redang Saturday morning! Yahoo! I absolutely cannot wait! As such, this will probably be my last entry .. well, for the next 5 days, anyways. Hee hee. I'll be back Tuesday. Until then, it's sand, surf and sun time!!! Wheeeee!

More Random Ramblings

I apologize for yesterday's entry ending so abruptly. My computer went bonkers and I only just managed to save what I could. It kept shutting down due to a code error of some sort .. I haven't the slightest idea what went wrong. Only hope there won't be a repeat performance today.

*Sigh* How is it that computers are now an almost indispensible tool, yet so many of us remain totally clueless idiots about it? Haha. Excuse me if you don't fall into that category, but I certainly do. I know next to zilch about computers, besides knowing how to use them, and it's so frustrating when something like yesterday happens! *Aaaargh* There was once the hard disk totally crashed and ate a whole semester's hard work's worth of a multimedia project. *Double Aaaaaargh!!* Imagine the slap-dash presentation I managed to scrape together in 2 weeks. What a nightmare!! Well, at least I finally learned the important lesson of backing up. Only now, I'm so paranoid most of the times, I back up twice more than necessary. Eh heh.

I want to go to Ikea for hotdogs. *Yummmm* Chicken sausage (with crunchy skin!) and a lovely bun .. with all the relish you can pile on top of it. *Yummmmmmmmm!!* I love the self-serve topping .. heheeee ... *Triple Yummmm!!!* Unfortunately, it's 1:30am and Ikea closed three-and-a-half hours ago. :o( I'll just have to wait for Friday then. *G*

Tomorrow (well, technically later today, the 6th of May) is my thesis presentation. *Eeeps!* I don't know what to expect at all. I'm quaking in my shoes. *Deep breath* Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. I guess I'll just do the best I can. Wish me luck!

Extremely Random Ramblings

Ehrm. Updating for updating's sake. There isn't really anything to write about, really. Only updating at someone's behest. :o)

OoooOoOoOooOooOh .. Am looking forward to tomorrow night. FHM's 100 Sexiest Women Party at Zouk. Not so much looking forward to the party as looking forward to checking Zouk out. It just looks sooooo cute!

Strangely, even though it's been open some one-and-a-half months now, I've only managed to get a glimpse of it today. But it's just adorable!! It's (almost literally!) a huge, white bubble of a building .. and the pics in the papers show that the interior is just as adorable as the exterior! Colourful, themed rooms .. lots of colours, swirly bits and bright designs. Lolz .. of course it would appeal to me. I've got this flamboyant-bordering-on-gaudy-if-not-exceeding-it! taste. I prefer to call it .. my natural exuberance. *G*

Funny how a change of words can give things a whole new, different meaning. Nadia was reading my horoscope and she mentioned this bit about my stubbornness, my powers of argument, and how I'm always able to justify my arguments. Eh heh. On many occasions, I've been told I should have become a lawyer, due to my ability to twist things to a favourable point. I'll admit it's fun .. but only when I don't have to do it for a living. lolz .. no, law appeals to me not in the least.

They say Time Heals All Wounds. I've been through that enough times to attest to its truth. Unfortunately, it does nothing to comfort you now, and the present is where we live, not the future. The future is so .. uncertain.

The Royal London Circus!!!

The Royal London Circus is in town!!! The whole family went to see it today .. and although we went on the premise of wanting to take Fareed (our much beloved two-year-old terror) to see his first circus, I'll have to be honest and admit Nadia and I had waaaaay loads more fun than he did! *G*

There were clowns! There was a trapeze act! They had elephants! There were tigers, lions and death-defying stunts! Gaudy, over-priced souvenirs and snacks galore! We went, we saw, we did it all!!
*Although I was wondering: if it is the Royal London Circus, how come everyone who came onto the mike had American accents??!?!

Gosh, it brought back so many happy childhood memories. Despite the rain and traffic jam, my spirits refused to be dampened. Fortunately, the rain pattered off to a very slight drizzle by the time we arrived, and as Mum so wonderfully got us A-section tickets, we ended up sitting in the front row! That itself was enough to make me go pop-eyed! And it was only the first two minutes in the Big Tent!!

It was .. magical. There was this indescribable feeling of awe as I sat there looking around. There was all the riggings, the pretty stars painted on the inside of the tent, the rows upon rows of excited children ... I couldn't stop chattering! (Yes, I get extremely vocal when excited .. and/or when I'm sleepy. ;op) With my popcorn in one hand and and cotton candy making my face and fingers all sticky, I was brought back 10 years to my last circus. It made me feel like a child again, with the excitement only a child could feel at being in a circus. It was a wonderful feeling, not remembering the troubles of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow. There was only the here and now .. and the here and now was the circus!!

After a few minutes, the lights dimmed. The anticipation in the tent was palpable. Then, the ringleader finally came out .. and the show BEGAN! The program was nothing anyone over the age of 9 hadn't seen before countless times on TV, but oh, how I ooh-ed and aaah-ed and laughed and cheered and gasped at all the right moments! How Nadia and I yelled right back to the clown all those childish responses, how we laughed from our bellies when he tripped over his own shoes, eventhough it was obviously on purpose and we'd seen that tired old act a million times before. We squealed in fright when the lion and tigers roared too suddenly, and we watched gaped-jaw as the trapeze troupe and acrobats twisted, tumbled and somersaulted through the air in gravity-defying turns. We ran with Fareed to pet the little Shetland pony when he was brought out during the intermission, and we were probably the only adults to oh-so-ungracefully clamber atop the elephant for photos. And all the while, we wore those colourful, silly jester hats they were hawking as souvenirs outside.

It was wonderful to be a child again, to enjoy the immense pleasures such simple things can give you. It was all about letting go of adult inhibitions, forgetting for that one moment that you're expected to act a certain way, and think the serious thoughts of a grown-up. It was all about relishing every second of that excitement recalled from childhood. It was not caring whether other adults thought you were being silly, it was being - for that one moment - carefree.

I pitied them, those adults who thought they had to be adults at the circus. They watched the show with glazed eyes, with acid comments of the tired programs, of the dust, of the shabbiness of the clown. They sat in their seats with arms folded across their chests, with stony expressions, waiting to be impressed. They weren't. From start to finish, nothing impressed them. They didn't clap, they didn't sing along, they didn't laugh .. they didn't even smile. They sneered at Nadia's and my gaudy jester hats, they whispered and pointed at us when we went up to take our picture with the elephant. They gave us sidelong glances and hitched their shoulders up at us whenever we whooped with laughter or gasped in awe. They mocked our childlike enthusiasm and laughed at our simple-minded enjoyment. I know because they were sitting right beside me .. and behind me too. And I pitied them.

I pitied them because they didn't know how to enjoy the simpler things. I pitied them because they didn't know that sometimes it is okay to be childish. Most of all, I pitied them because they couldn't laugh for the sake of laughing, that their laughter had to come at someone else's expense. Lolz .. I saw them laughing at me. I don't mind. I was having too much fun to care! I hope they enjoyed it. ;o) There are times when we have to be adults, and there are times when we ought to be children again. Knowing when to be what is the key.

I had a great day. Things haven't exactly been so rosy and sunny in my life for quite a while now, but today was a wonderful day.